


The Void

by RamaMind



Series: All The Way [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Multiverse Theory, Cam has control issues, Cam is gay, Carson doesn't blow up, Elizabeth and Carson are pals, Elizabeth's identity issues are just starting, John has issues galore, John is bi, John saves Cam in Antarctica, Keller thinks she's Dr. Frankenstein, M/M, Multi, Oberoth is creepy as hell, Post SG-1 Season 10, Post Stargate: The Ark of Truth, Rodney suffers a lot, Ronon has to deal with other people's feelings and it's awkward, Teyla keeps everything together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-25 02:12:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 37,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4942738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RamaMind/pseuds/RamaMind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Surviving incredible odds is just another day for Cameron Mitchell; but surviving is starting to seem less and less as a way of really living. He takes upon Sam Carter's invitation to the Midway Station, where Atlantis is just around the corner. He hopes, perhaps, to finally define his relationship with John Sheppard; a perhaps dangerous thought, given that they are galaxies apart.</p><p>But Atlantis isn't safe; while Sheppard and the rest of his team, accompanied by Dr. Weir, leave for yet another almost suicidal mission, Teyla Emmagan remains looking after the city, adrift in space and just hours away from loosing the shield that keeps them alive. </p><p>As the remaining inhabitants of Atlantis ponder what has lead them there, Cam and his team find themselves on another galaxy to find them. Just another day on the job, on a job that any day could be your last.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm not done for, not yet” Cam said, trying to convince Sheppard, but mostly himself. He pulled at the other man's arm, grasping it firmly. “I'm not done”

 

 

The corridors were dark, as if the city itself is was lying dormant too. The frozen replicators stared emptily as Sheppard and Ronon passed them, their steps heavy, booming on the deadly silence of the Asuran city. They kept running, every corridor so alike the previous one. Slowly, the replicator faces started to diminish in number, they were less of them with every turn. Sheppard's frown deepened, they were close to the top. Another corner, Sheppard turned fast, his eyes widening quickly at the sight of Elizabeth standing in the corridor front of him. And Oberoth was holding her in place.

 

“Get to the jumper” She said forcefully, without turning to him. Her hand inside Oberoth's head, his hand clasping her forearm. Oberoth's eyes were still on her, as if he still hadn't noticed. Sheppard and Ronon raised their guns aiming to him.

 

“You are coming with us” Sheppard demanded, fury in his voice, hie eye firmly set on her. Ronon stepped besides him, a clear shot from his position. He took it. But the blast had no effect on Oberoth, who hadn't even looked at him. Ronon cursed, and shot again, with no effect still.

 

“I can't keep them frozen much longer!” Elizabeth yelled, her voice strained, her face pale under the cold light of the city; exhaustion was overtaking her.

 

“We are __not__ leaving you behind” Sheppard yelled, desperation bleeding through his voice.

 

“If you don’t leave right now,  _ _none__ of us will get out of here, so go.” She shouted in return, her desperation perhaps greater, her voice raw and fearful. With difficultly, she turned her head slightly to them, to John. Her green eyes commanding and resolute despite the strain that seemed to tear her apart. “That's an order” She yelled once again forcefully, her voice now summoning the conviction her eyes already showed. But her body couldn't take it anymore; her concentration faltering enough for Oberoth to overcome her.

 

The Replicators behind Oberoth started moving, springing back to life to life, free of Elizabeth's control. They started shooting immediately, their hits coming dangerously close of Sheppard and Ronon. Ronon ducked another hit that would have blown his head off and grabbed Sheppard by the arm, attempting to pull him back to the corridor, back to the jumper, to their escape.

 

“Elizabeth!” Sheppard shouted, eyes wild and his throat raw with dread, fighting Ronon every step of the way back. The Replicators started advancing towards them just as Ronon pulled him behind the corner. Elizabeth turned finally, her face contorted in anguish and exhaustion.

 

“ _Go!_ ” She yelled one last time before the Replicators circled around her and started dragging her away from Sheppard. Her face disappeared amid the impassive faces of the replicators, Sheppard loosing sight of them as Ronon dragged him around the corner.

 

*****

 

Ronon pulled, he should not have to fight Sheppard on this. __It was an order._ _ They had to leave, to save Atlantis, so that her sacrifice had __meaning__. Ronon bit the inside of his cheek until it bleed, seeking resolution on the taste of his own blood. __Damn it Sheppard._ _ He kept pulling at his forearm, sweaty and slick, kept fighting his frantic movements to be let go. Ronon gave him one last hard pull, until Sheppard's arm slipped from his grasp.

 

*****

 

__Five Days Earlier_ _

 

Cam's eyes peered vacantly towards the TV, entranced by the heavy tension affair between the blonde spin class instructor and the hunky math professor; he was going to tell her that he had proof that her father hadn't killed the archbishop. She was looking at him expectantly, as if knowing that the next words that came out of his mouth would change her world forever. Cam steeled himself, pulling the sheet around his fists, his mouth falling slightly open.

 

“Am I interrupting?” He heard a voice and jolted upwards, scrambling for the remote and quickly turning the TV off. He coughed, trying to avoid eye contact with Sam. He could feel the smile forming on her lips. She leaned on the frame amused, holding a paper bag on her hand.

 

“Sam! Didn't see ya there. What's up?” He tried to sound nonchalant, but Sam's head-shake and wide grin let him know he had failed.

 

“That's the problem with getting cooped up in the infirmary, daytime TV gets a hold of you” She smiled warmly, a hint of remembrance in her voice. Making her way to his bed, he placed the bag on the nightstand, and Cam could feel his mouth watering at the thought of more macaroons. The bed dipped under her weight as she sat by his side, a small sigh leaving her lips “I got pretty into General Hospital for a while; to be honest I still put it on the background when I'm reading a paper”

 

Cam smiled, nodding and stretching his neck. He was in sore need for a work-out; his back was a mess and that was not even getting to his legs. For a moment he wondered if there was a TV on the gym. He shook the thought off, there was no need to repeat the “The Young & The Restless” shame spiral of '04. “Doing some science stuff?” He finally said, noticing Sam was wearing gray overalls and her hair- now longer that he had ever seen it- tied up on a small braid.

 

“Yup. Dr. Lee wants some help on the last stage of the Midway” She nodded; he could see a glint on her eye.

 

“I though he had a full team of scientist on the can?” Cam quirked his eyebrow, and Sam just let out a tired sigh.

 

“He did; he does. But he just can't stand Kavanaugh. I'm pretty sure he will end up killing him some day. I don't think anyone would be mad though” She said, almost too candid; but Cam definitely could understand that, Kavanaugh was just a majorly unpleasant man, as Teal'c would say. To Cam he was just a douche. “Besides updating some security protocols and getting the artificial gravity running the station is pretty much finished. With any luck, we'll be doing a full system checkup in a couple of days, and then is just about working out the kinks; It shouldn't take us more than four days”

 

“That's alright, I'm still bed-ridden for a couple more days. Lam is still worried about the bruising on my ribs so she probably won't discharge me before you get back”

 

“You do know you can pull off a mission without me, right?” Sam's tone was playful, but her question was sincere.

 

“You know is not the same without you”

 

“Ah, Mr. Mitchell, you are a charmer” That made him laugh, and subsequently hurt, but not as much as yesterday. He reached for his chest, making Sam's eyes bulge in concern. He quickly waved her off.

 

“I'm fine, Carter. Not gonna bite it yet” Each injury just took a little longer to heal these days; at least he thought so. Maybe he just felt them more now. Either way, the answer was he was getting old. No much to do about that though. Pulling back from that train of thought, it seemed that Sam was caught on thoughts of her own “Something in your mind?”

 

She sighed, covering a moment of hesitation, but these days there was little they wouldn't tell each other. That's what happens when you constantly save each others lives, Cam thought. It's good for friendship. “The Apollo left a couple of days ago for Atlantis. Ellis has orders for a first strike against the Asuran”

 

“The replicators? You know I'm not going to get sad for them, right?” Not that Sam didn't had her own history with replicators, it was just that his was fresher, and still tender. Sam smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

 

“It's a dangerous move Cam. The Asurans are basically ancients, technologically speaking. There's a lot that can go wrong, a lot we don't know about their capacity for retaliation. Caldwell's intel says they are building an armada; so I get why the IOA wants to put a stop to that, but there's a lot we still don't know about what we are facing against” Cam frowned; it was not very Sam-like to be defeatist, but it was very her to be prepared.

 

“Do you really think Ellis mission is half cocked?” He asked bluntly; nor that he often realized that, but it was better to just cut to the chase. Sam didn't answer with words at first, but her shrugging was enough.

 

“I would have waited for more information, some in depth research” She said standing up and stretching her legs “But that's not my job” And there was something in her tone that made Cam make a double take: an almost a wistful edge. He shifted a bit uncomfortably in bed, his mind wandering to an often visited question: Did Carter wanted to call the shots? And by extension; was she okay with playing second to him, on a team that should have been -and was for a year- hers? Sam only came back to SG-1 because the team needed her, because the Ori were a threat. But now, did Carter want more? He knew she wanted so; her job on R & D in area 51 was sciencey and all, but it still meant leading a group of people, being in charge. Had the Ori not appeared, or had she just not re-joined SG-1, where would she be now?

 

“Let's hope for the best, we'll hit the balls as they come” But today was not the day for that conversation; it would probably require beer in any case. She kissed him on the check saying goodbye and made her way to the door, before thinking otherwise and turning back to him.

 

“I'll probably have to make a stop on Atlantis; check with McKay on his end if everything is working fine”

 

“Go on” Cam asked suspicious, but very, very interested.

 

“And you know, I could use some back-up”

 

“Someone __should__ be around to swat McKay away” Cam nodded, playing into the idea this was for Sam's gain. She nodded agreeing with him. Her next question was to the point though.

 

“You haven't seen him since they took back Atlantis from the Asurans” They were talking about that. __Him.__ It was between a question and a statement, so Cam didn't know what to respond at first.

 

“I think we are overdue for a face to face; get the house in order” He dipped on the pillows, his eyes now fixed on the roof, wandering. Thinking about that conversation he dreaded and expected in equal measure. He had not a single idea of what he was going to say, or do. Chances were he was either going to turn tail the moment he saw him or just kiss him again.

 

“I'll make sure to let Landry know how necessary your presence there will be” Sam nodded, in a very Teal'c way. “You know how he feels about __unnecessary gate activity__ ” And with that Sam turned around and walked away, leaving Cam with a smile. And quickly grabbing for the remote once again.

 

*****

 

He sought her dark eyes, expectantly, but Dr. Lam continued to scribble away in the chart, oblivious of his focused gaze.

 

“If you keep staring at me you won't get your lollipop” Or perhaps not. “Just hold on for a minute colonel” She said giving him a tired smile. She had spent the last couple of hours on a hectic pace after SG-6 had a prickly run in with the Lucien Alliance. All the more reason he should be discharged ASAP, he was just taking up space and her time. She sighed, finally flipping the last page of his chart. “I'm still concerned about the bruising on you ribs, but there's nothing to do but give it time. Now, you are discharged, but only for light duty. No taking down replicators at all.”

 

“I promise, scout's honor” Her eyeroll was telling. It would not be the first time he would come back bleeding all over everything after she had patched him up. “I'm just gonna keep Carter some company in the can” He refrained himself from saying what could go wrong, he was not going to jynx it.

 

Dr. Lam perked up that that, her eyes suddenly glinting with mischief. “Oh, I heard; Vala wanted me to tell you she is already waiting for you in the conference room” She didn't stay to see Cam's mouth fall open.

 

Cam could feel his own frowning face, the lollipop doing little to soothe his thoughts. What did Vala know?

 

He could feel her eyes like daggers from the other side of the conference table, almost feline. “Heeeeeey Cam.” __What did Vala know?_ _

 

“So I heard you are coming with me to Midway?” He said, working hard to keep his face impassive and his body language relaxed, flicking the lollipop around is mouth. Vala's eyes didn't falter for a second, and now her smile kept getting progressively wider. He could feel a bead of sweat forming on his temple.

 

“I'm bored down here” She said with a pout “I bet things are going to be more interesting; far more interesting, if I tag along with you” What would be possibly be interesting about a bus stop -even if it was a intergalactic one-? __What did Vala know?__

 

But he wasn't defeated yet, oh no “Well, I know watching Jackson work is the least fun thing to do around here. You should have probably gone with Teal'c to Dakara, but it'll be fun having you around” He smiled so brightly and said so genuinely that he congratulated himself. He could conjure that sweet American boy charm still, so well that he could even catch Vala off guard.

 

“Oh, thanks” Her gaze dropped, now a bit self-conscious. “You are a good friend” And now he felt bad, Vala was just being Vala; it didn't mean she was fishing him for information; she didn't know anything about John.

 

“You too” He said smiling; maybe Vala wasn't scheming twenty four seven as he used to think.

 

“And you know you can tell me _everything_ , right?” He had been so naive. He tensed, enough for Vala to notice. Curse her. She slithered her way next to him, her face incredibly sweet. He could now smell her sweet, deadly perfume; the Hello Kitty barrettes on her hair terrifyingly expectant of his doom. He tried to avert his eyes, but hers were expecting, sharp.

 

Then he realized she must knew nothing, not enough at least. If Vala had really known, she would have shown her cards for the sheer amusement of it, she wouldn't fish for information she already had. Actually she would have probably invited him to watch gay porn together. He wondered how far off that idea would be. She would probably invite Daniel as well.

 

“Thanks Vala” He said patting her on the shoulder and smiling again. He took joy when he could almost hear her screaming silently. “So, you ready?” She gave him a tight lipped smile in return.

 

“Alright, alright” Landry stepped in and Cam stood up, respectfully saluting him, but Landry just waved him off. “I really don't want to get into you guys using the gate for sightseeing, but I'm just too busy today to tell you how expensive is to just turn that thing on” He sighed, skimming through some folders on the table until he apparently found what he was looking for. “But since you're already going there, you'll take those crates to Carter” He pointed thought the window to the gate room, and Vala's face scrunched once she saw the rather large boxes.

 

“But they look heavy!”

 

“And they are heavy. Remember to use your legs” He smiled that sweet grandfather smile of his and turned heel to leave.

 

“Do you think we'll get into trouble if we just let the crates there?” She asked, and Cam knew she wasn't entirely joking.

 

Midway was nice. Also top of the line technology. It definitely looked a lot like _Daedalus-class_ ships on the inside.

 

“It is fascinating” Daniel had said when he and Vala were ready to leave. She kept insisting for him to come with, and help her carry a crate. He kept saying he still had a lot work to do, though Cam wasn't sure he just wanted to enjoy the quiet for a couple of days. Cam had already noticed that Daniel's quiet time had almost disappeared, Vala almost always perched on his desk. He tried to play annoyed, but Cam had noticed how Daniel tended to go looking for her when she wasn't around. Cam could almost see them, gray and wrinkly sitting on a porch, bickering about being _so_ annoyed by each other. “Don't you think?”

 

“Uhm?” Cam snapped back to Jackson's excited and expecting face.

 

“That earth's technology seems to have this aesthetic sensibility to functional lines and neutral soft colors. Our concerns to create practical environments has established its own unique design. I wonder what future alien anthropologists will think of our spaceships when we are gone”

 

“That's rather grim” Cam frowned at Daniel, but of course that was a thing that Daniel would worry about.

 

Daniel continued, not paying much attention, or just ignoring, Cam's objection “Look at the SGC, and Midway now. This is what other races will see of us, how they will see of us. What will they say about our minimalist architectural design?”

 

Now, having stepped through the gate and seeing Midway for the first time, Cam would agree that what Jackson had said was kinda interesting. The space station was sharp, clean, uncluttered. And gray. So very gray.

 

“We should have also brought some throw pillows and curtains. Maybe some nice vases” Vala's eyes kept darting around, trying to find something remotely interesting to busy herself with; so far, nothing it seemed. At least she seemed to enjoy the weightlessness as she fake-swam along the walls.

 

“We don't have a decoration budget, so it will have to come out of your pocket” Vala's fake indignation made Sam laugh “Hey Vala” she gave her a quick hug and that made Vala's frown quickly disappear. “Cam” she nodded at him and he returned the gesture from his perch at the rail; he was not that into weightlessness as Sam and Vala.

 

“So we brought you something nice” He pointed to the crates and Sam's face lighted up.

 

“We'll be able to connect the secondary filtering systems by tonight Bill” She called to her side, and Dr. Lee made his appearance; he looked tired and a bit queasy, but strangely endearing. Cam blinked, shaking the thought off. Dr. Lee said hi and dove into the boxes, starting to read the manifesto.

 

“Oh thank God, the calibration module is already here!”

 

“Do you wanna get working on the artificial gravity? We can solve the issues with the flash drives and then work on the filtering”

 

“Yes, yes please” He dove into the box to retrieve a smaller case. Sam smiled and signaled Cam and Vala to go have a look a round while she worked with Dr. Lee. While he wasn't reaching Vala levels of grace, Cam was starting to enjoy the weightlessness as they made their way through the corridors. Lack of gravity wasn't good for your muscle mass on the long run, but so far it was welcome for his bruised torso. Vala spun around him, a smile on her face.

 

“Alright, this is pretty fun” Cam said and Vala looked at him, her face surprisingly open -although these days it wasn't so surprising, he was glad to think- They continued to drift around for a while, playing jumping games, careful to not kick loose anything -at least Cam- It was calm. Two years ago, he never thought he'd be able to feel anything resembling calmness around Vala. She was fire, explosive; bringing mayhem all around. Darn, it was a lot of fun too. But when she took that tel'tak and went head on to stop the supergate, her own safety be damned, that was when Cam knew she was someone far grander he had previously thought. And the past two years had only reinforced that thought.

 

Apparently he had been staring, because she was quizzically looking back at him he; just shook his head, a smile on his lips, and made his way to her.

 

“Come on, let's go find Lee's hidden candy. He's gotta have a stash around here too” He said giving her a bump. Vala smiled, that genuine smile he only saw her give the rest of the team and Tomin; that smile she gave the people she trusted, and Cam was glad he was one of them.

 

*****

 

“Oh thank God” Dr. Lee said as he steeled himself against the wall. Sam looked at the readings and everything seemed in order with the flash drives; no more memory dumps caused by the software. Gravity was on for good.

 

“Cam, Vala, are you fine?” Sam asked through the intercom, and Cam replied yes. “Alright guys, now you can go sit on the rec room. No much on the ways of games yet but the couches are comfortable”

 

“Roger that. At least we can plug the coffee maker. We'll save you and Lee a cup” The intercom went off and Sam smiled to herself, satisfied with the work done.

 

“Wanna go get some coffee Bill?”

 

“Mmm, no, not yet. Gotta let my stomach settle” The dry heaving that followed was very poignant. “you should go though”

 

“In a while. Let's look over the filtration system. I really don't want any problems with life support when this gets functional” Bill nodded and they returned to their work stations on the communication's room. Lot's of data to sort through, lots of calculations to be made. She loved to be out on the field, but she appreciated these other kind of missions, where what she had to work with was her mind. She wasn't a twenty-something Captain itching to prove herself out on the field; she already knew who she was; and most of this days, that was something not that young anymore. Getting shot, running seeking cover and jumping out of exploding things were not things she was looking forward anymore -not that she ever did, but her younger self was far more fearless that way- She had been Air Force for almost twenty years now, that meant a lot of things he had to let go by, lot's of hard choices she had to made, but she was proud of the work she had done, of the career she had built. She now had this family cause of it, people she held most dear, some longer than others. And she had met Jack. But twenty years was a long time, a long time to be out there, following. Now it was time for something else, it was going to be hard, but it was time to move on. She hoped Teal'c, Daniel, Mitchell and Vala understood. She knew they would.

 

“Alright. We should run a simulation with the new parameters” She said stretching. Her eyes stung a bit; sometimes it felt like they stung more these days after working so long on a monitor. Ahh, _these days_ , so different from when an all-nigther didn't mean a stiff back and sore joints. God, she was starting to sound like Jack. She smiled to herself.

 

“I'm surprised we got this much of an efficiency increase! The filtration modules will double their lifetime. Landry will be so happy” Bill grinned, his face now of a healthier color and less clammy. Sam checked her watch, they had spent a couple of hours cooped up there and she needed a stretch, and some coffee. She let the simulation run and stood up, deciding that coffee took priority. A security alarm caught her attention. “Oh? Activation from the Pegasus Gate” Bill said pointing at the monitor, and Sam rushed to respond the incoming communication.

 

“This is Midway, Colonel Samantha Carter speaking” Colonel Ellis' face appeared on the monitor; and for the looks of it, they weren't good news.

 

*****

 

Cam huffed, unwilling to give up but pretty much giving up. He and Vala managed to maintain a very long game of “I Spy” although Vala kept kicking his butt; they have also gone through most of Dr. Lee's candy stash. As the time had gone by after the gravity had been turned on, he had started to feel the inkling of anxiety form on the pit of his stomach. Sam and Dr. Lee were very close to wrapping things up there, and she had even ventured they would be stepping into Atlantis by tomorrow if they were satisfied with the simulation of the filtering systems. Cam didn't think he'd be able to sleep. He skipped chiding himself for acting like a schoolgirl thinking about her crush; he was excited, no point denying that to himself. He was looking forward to finally seeing Sheppard again. He purposefully avoided making up scenarios in his head. Right now, it was just about seeing John again. With the Ori dealt with, it was the first time in two years that Cam actually had, dare say, spare time -sure, the Lucien Alliance was a bother, but nothing catastrophic- If things didn't go to the crapper from John's end, they could have some actual downtime. For what, well, he was keeping his expectations on the realistic side of things.

 

“I spy, something blue” Vala said, a piece of licorice stuck between her teeth. Cam rolled his eyes to another blue thing; three blue things ago he was sure he was out of blue things, but a wire, a control light, and a button later, he still wasn't out of blue things. For the last couple of hours, Vala had prodded him only a bit. He wasn't sure what had brought this new line of questioning from Vala. What she knew was that there was _something_ in Atlantis for him. Sam had made an off-hand remark about finally having time to go to Atlantis a couple of days ago on the infirmary. Nothing really telling, nothing that anyone else but Vala would have picked up on. “Why would Mitchell want to go to Atlantis” Vala quickly said.

 

“Why would anyone not want to go to there!?” Daniel's indignation wasn't enough to veer off Vala's instinct. The look Cam and Sam had shared seemingly said enough. Vala had changed the conversation then, harping on Daniel's __almost sexual desire over old dusty cities__ _._ Cam should have known that Vala was onto him.

 

After today on the briefing room though, Vala had only subtly perused his secrets. “I think we'll get bored on Atlantis without Daniel to talk our heads off. Do you know someone that could show us around?” she had asked; he had replied that he did know a couple of people that could keep them entertained. He refused to single out any names; he was not going to help Vala out on his upcoming suffering. He had actually put serious thought about what his team would say about John. Sam was pretty cool about it; and she was the one he was most worried -being military like him- but that had been an unfounded fear, he knew now. Daniel? He would be supportive -so supportive, too supportive perhaps- He probably would start giving him a talk about homosexuality through history, Spartans or something and then end up veering wildly off topic. Teal'c? He couldn't imagine him minding; the big guy was one of the most open minded beings he had met, and he probably already knew. Fifty years trapped in the __Odyssey_ _ with him, Cam was sure he would have broken at some point. But Teal'c always just gave him this ' _ _I know things, Cameron Mitchell, things I will not tell'_ _ look that Cam have no clue what to do with. But Vala; she was the wild card. Not in terms of anything hateful, but he had no clue if she would actually get super excited and organize a coming out party -because Vala loved parties of any kind- or start looking after him as if he was a puppy, or right away start asking about his sexual adventures. He would tell them someday; the best thing was that he was mostly excited. Lost in contemplation, he saw Sam coming in out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Sam, could you tell what else is blue in this room?” He said turning around on the chair; only then he noticed Sam's stern expression. “Did something happen?”

 

“The Apollo contacted us. Atlantis is being attacked by the Asurans” Cam felt his mouth dry up. His head feeling suddenly heavy. His happy thoughts pushed away by the creeping thought of __Is he alright? Is he alive?__

 

“What?” Vala said, her eyes darting back an forth between him and Sam, who walked over them, her gait tired and heavy.

 

“The asurans are using a Stargate as a high output energy weapon; there was no way Atlantis shields would hold, so they decided to relocate the city” Sam explained how they had come to that decision, but Cam had trouble focusing on the details.

 

“Has Atlantis left already?” His voice was calm, too calm.

 

“The Apollo says they made it to hyperspace... but they were hit by the satellite weapon when they had to drop shields to allow the city to lift off. There was some visible impact, but the Apollo has no confirmation; they jumped to the nearest gate to let us know what was going on. They have already jumped to Atlantis' new destination. The city will dial here when they settle, we have to wait a couple of hours.”

 

“Okay” Cam nodded once, and then again, his mind refusing to stay silent, telling him to worry. “Okay” He stood up, his palms too wet, his mouth too dry “We just have to sit tight for a couple of hours. Let me know if anything comes up” He said evenly giving Sam and Vala a curt nod and walked away without saying another word.

 

They didn't follow. He swallowed hard, only the soft humming of the station and the sound of his own footsteps interrupting the silence. He walked the corridor, slowly, purposefully moving his body. He could not just sit down, he needed the movement. As always, it rushed to his mind, the what ifs and maybes; he could see Sheppard walking to him with a smile on his face one moment, and then see his lifeless eyes staring nowhere the next. Images and thoughts, conjured in his brain, keep pushing, keep pushing. Pointless, cruel, invasive. But he needed to be alone, in moments like this, he needed to be alone. He had to wait, wait for truth before letting himself be lost to fear. That he knew, that he knew how to do.

 

But as he knew to keep those thoughts out, he also knew how memory made its way when he tried to push the fear away. He leaned against a wall, tired but itching to keep moving, and his mind wandered to the past. He could always find John on his memories.

 

*****

 

Cold, so much cold. That edge between needless jammed on your flesh and simply nothing. That he was wishing for nothing was not a good sign. He wanted to close his eyes, and rest, sleep. He forced himself to remain awake, alert. The sky was so impossibly blue, so beautiful. It was sure a sight. He wished Banks could see, but his skin was already cold, too cold. He was gone even before the plane crashed. Maybe he was lucky and didn't feel a thing; it was the best way to go, at least his grandma thought so. A pang of guilt shoot through him. He could see them, his parents, sitting on the living room after getting the news, trying to convince themselves his death had meaning, that it mattered, even when they would never know how he actually died. The shivering was starting to disappear, it wouldn't be long now.

 

It wouldn't be long now.

 

The reverberating sound jolted him up, had he been sleeping? The sound was rhythmic, fast, approaching. A motor, a helicopter. He opened his eyes, and he could see it on the distance, a spec on the absolute blue sky. He wanted to smile, though his mouth didn't follow his thought. But he was not done for, not yet. The Helicopter kept moving, seemingly not noticing; Cam shook his head, and tried to push the piece of fuselage that was covering his head away. He could not feel his legs now, at least it was a respite from the pain, he was not going to dwell on that. He pushed hard against the metal, feeling the strain in his shoulders and a sharp pain on his chest, until the piece gave out and he could feel the lukewarm sun on his face. He saw the marker been dropped. Had they not see him? Had they only thought his 302 completely wrecked? He tried to wave his right arm, but he lost his balance and his torso lolled to the side, his right leg caught on a pile of snow and debris. He could hear the helicopter move farther and farther away.

 

Then the sound started to return. He rolled himself up, feeling his eyes sting when he saw the helicopter getting bigger and bigger. Cam let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Soon he felt the gusting snow on his face, refreshing despite the absurdity. The helicopter landed smoothly a few feet away, and a figure clothed from head to toe jogged his way to him. Cam waved his hand lazily, finally feeling he could let himself rest a bit.

 

“Hey there buddy” He could feel a voice, it was warm, even if a bit lazy, and he smiled. It was a nice voice, a voice he wouldn't mind hearing again. “You are pretty banged up, but I'll get you out of this, alright?” The voice said, muffled beneath a scarf. Cam only then noticed that hands were roaming over him, checking him. He felt a dull pain when they reached his leg, shoveling out snow and metal off it, but he didn't have enough strength to whimper anymore. “I need you to focus. Does this hurt?” Cam vaguely answered, he just wanted to sleep. “It's pretty cold out here, so I'm gonna cover you with a mylar blanket and hang out until the rescue party shows up, alright? I'm gonna have to move your leg, we don't want you getting frostbite” The voice finished and was gone for a moment, he could not know where it was. But it returned, and he felt his right leg being moved; only then, he could really feel the pain again, shooting up as if traveling through his veins, pumping through all his muscles. He could hear his own scream, chilling, piercing, drowning the comforting litany the voice attempted to give him. But the pain was too much, he could feel the fear crawling beneath; too much pain, he could not endure this much pain. The voice spoke again, and the figure got rid of the scarf and the googles, and Cam could see a face. He could see that face intently on him, speaking, telling him something, but the pain was too much. He felt hands on the sides of his head, and suddenly his eyes were locked by green ones, or were they blue? Perhaps brown? What color were those eyes? The question invaded his mind, pushing the pain enough, enough to realize he couldn't give up. Not now. Cam gritted his teeth, focusing himself on those eyes, those beautiful eyes. “That's right, look at me. Glad to have you back buddy”

 

“Cam Mitchell. That's the name” Introducing himself felt like the right thing to do, grandma would agree. That got him back a smile. And it was a good smile, warm and a bit cocky, things that Cam greatly appreciated.

 

“Name's Sheppard, and I'll be your chaperon for the evening”

 

The pain had dulled as Sheppard sat beside him. He could feel the cold receding, at least, it wasn't clawing at him, He looked at his leg, pretty much wrapped now in mylar, wondering if they would have to cut it off. He shoved out the thought away and tried to focus on Sheppard's face. The other man's eyes were on his, his expression brittle, and Cam felt strangely vulnerable; was this the way people looked at others that were about to die?

 

“I'm not done for, not yet” Cam said, trying to convince Sheppard, but mostly himself. He pulled at the other man's arm, grasping it firmly. “I'm not done”

 

“I know” Sheppard replied, and the conviction on his voice was so powerful, so truthful, that Cam didn't mind it might have been a lie. He felt weight leaning against him, warmth, and Cam closed his eyes, suddenly so very tired. “Just hang on, it won't be long”

 

Cam didn't know how much time went by, he only knew it was harder and harder to think. Maybe it wouldn't be long at all. He squeezed his hand harder on Sheppard's arm, as convincing himself he was not alone, that he wouldn't die alone, when he heard the sounds of the a rotor, chipping away at the silence, louder and louder.

 

“Do you hear that? The cavalry is here... -Cam?” He could heard the worry on Sheppard's voice, and for some reason that made him smile.

 

“Don't mourn me yet, cuz I'm still here” Cam replied, tugging again at Sheppard's arm. He got a snort by reply, and he felt the warmth of Sheppard's breath on his face. He felt such an incredible fondness that moment, and his brain couldn't give him reason why. He moved without thought, and rested his forehead in the warmth of Sheppard's body. He was so tired, so tired; but he was not done for. He dozed off as the voices of the rescue team approached.

 

*****

 

Cam opened his eyes, the memory of John's face clear as day on his mind. His lips parted, his voice barely a whisper.

 

“John”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this fic is, as of the time of its posting, un-betaed. It would be nice to have a beta, juuuuust throwing that out there. *wink*
> 
> I'm starting focusing on the SG-1 characters because slowly we'll be shifting the focus to Atlantis later on, but we will come back to these character from time to time. Also, these are Mitchell's true companions, he won't just leave them behind! Teal'c get's referenced only this fic, but I love him, so he'll have more juicier appearances in the future.
> 
> EDIT: I think I'm setting up some things that are too minor to the scope of things and that actually a line would just take care of, so I think there might be some trimming to be done in this story. I feel like 4k words on this fic are here only to explain why Carson is alive. Writing is hard.


	2. The Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SG-1 gets down to business figuring out how to find Atlantis. And Cam has to keep himself from loosing it, while feeling rather useless.
> 
> Meanwhile, adrift on space, Teyla, Dr. Keller and Carson have troublesome thoughts of their own.

 

“Is, is Cam alright?” Vala asked doubtfully, looking worried and small on her chair. Sam turned back to the door Cam had left from, a worried look in her face.

  


“We should give him some space.” Sam said sitting next to her. She thought Vala might ask why, but her friend remained silent, pensive.

  


“Does he have someone he cares about in Atlantis?” Vala said after a while. There was only concern on her eyes.

  


“Yes. A lot.” Sam offered, but didn't elaborate. It wasn't her place. She poured herself a cup of coffee. It was bitter and lukewarm, a welcome taste nonetheless. She held the tin cup with both hands, seeking comfort from the heat. Her mother used to do that, she remembered. She had never thought it actually worked, but there was no harm in trying. “We should hear back from Atlantis in a couple of hours given the coordinates of the rendezvous. We can only wait for now” Vala nodded to this, sipping from her own cup.

  


“It doesn't sound good, does it?”

  


“No. It doesn't. The main tower -it's where most of the staff would be. Colonel Ellis said there was visible impact. The damage could be severe. Lot of people could have been hurt” Sam sighed, her eyes turning to Vala. She was worried, truly; she really did care for Cam, just like her. For a moment she wondered how easily Vala had fitted on their lives; perhaps she was meant to end up with them all along. “We'll give Cam his space for a while, but we shouldn't let him get caught up in his head. We'll be there for him”

  


Vala looked at her, a hint of surprise in her face, but nonetheless nodded, a warm smile appearing on her lips. “I think we should have positive thoughts” She said convinced. “Make your own reality and all that. Atlantis will be fine, and Cam will be fine. He'll probably get some fantastic life-affirming sex” Sam couldn't help but laugh at that; Vala was good at rising her spirits.

  


“I bet he will” Sam agreed, trying to not think too deeply about Cam's sex life. She was no stranger to life-affirming sex if she thought about it though. She shook the thought aside, there was something to be said about having another woman around who was as shameless as Vala. She missed Janet. Sam could imagine how fun it would have been to have the two of them on the same room; Janet would have surprised Vala quite a bit. Sam smiled fondly at the memory of her dear friend. If the worst came to pass with Atlantis, life would keep going on, and they would have to manage, as they all have had in their lives at one point. Nonetheless, Sam followed Vala's advice and thought positive. Sam let out a sudden laugh making Vala's eyebrows rise. “After this, it will be pretty obvious who Cam has in Atlantis”

  


“Ahh” Vala said. “It'll be the one he either holds for dear life or makes a fool of himself keeping away”

  


“I bet it'll be the later; the former already happened” Sam said, and Vala's mouth turned to absolute delight.

  


The levity didn't last long. The time went by, and even when there was still time -less time- the feeling of uneasiness was almost palpable, both Sam and Vala could feel it, even if they didn't say it. “You should check on Cam” Vala said. Sam doubted for a second, but Vala encouraged with a nod. __Because you know_ _ _._ Sam smiled in comprehension. “I'll go sit with Dr. Lee for a while, bring him a cup of coffee. Give my bests to Cam”

  


“Thanks Vala” Sam sighed, and steeled herself.

  


It was harder than she thought to find Mitchell, and Midway wasn't that big. Did he want to be left alone? Something clicked on her mind, and she made her way through the corridors to where she knew Cam would be. And there he was; sitting on a crate on the hangar. There were no F-302's in there, but it had been designed to house three crafts and one puddle jumper at the same time. In case of emergency, there should at least be two of them in the station at all times. Dr. Lee had wondered if they were going to give him pilot training if he was going to be stationed permanently at Midway, and the thought had made him nauseous. But right now, the hangar was all but empty, only some crates to be put away serving as Cam's perch, from where he stared out the view port to the emptiness of space.

  


“Do you want some company, Cam?” She asked quietly. She was pretty sure he had felt her come in, but he remained still. And still did so, his brow furrowed, eyes fixed on the void.

  


“You know” He finally said, and Sam let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. “Sheppard got into a lot of trouble after saving my life”

  


“Oh, when?” Sam asked surprised. That was something Cam had never mentioned. He didn't talk much about John. She knew there was a lot of history there -she had witnessed a pivotal part of it- but she wasn't sure how far back they went. By the time the Ancients had removed the expedition form Atlantis, Cam and John already acted like old friends, despite Cam never having mentioned him before, and that was strange, considering Cam talked a lot about his life, really. Had Vala been there back then, she would have caught it sooner. Daniel had said that Cam knew John by the time the upper echelons of Atlantis had been debriefed on the SGC after the Siege. Sam had been intrigued by this, but Daniel hardly gave it any thought. That's Daniel. He was more concerned that Sheppard had offered to bar him from Atlantis to help Cam get SG-1 back together.

  


“After the Battle of Antarctica” Cam said succinctly, and Sam gave him a silent __oh__ _._ Cam didn't like to talk about his crash during the battle. She remembered seeing him weeks later, when she was part of the delegation giving him the Medal of Honor for his actions. It was not Cam's best time, neither physically nor emotionally. After that, when he was well on the way of his rehabilitation, they had talked on the phone. They had made plans to meet soon, but he had only put a date to it when he was able to walk again on his own.

  


Cam looked at her, and for a second, she worried unsure of what to expect. He sensed that and gave her a smile, albeit a sad one. “He broke protocol by landing to get me; he was only supposed to drop markers for the rescue and salvage teams. My F-302 was so wrecked anyone else would have just marked it for salvage” Sam remembered reading the report; Cam's aircraft was almost torn to pieces. She had felt guilty many a night; she still felt responsible for being the reason Cam suffered through all of that. “But he saw movement, and came down to get me. Dr. Saunders told me had I stayed out there for another hour, I would have been a goner most likely” Cam licked his lips, smiling. “I really don't know how he saw movement. Well, that's what he said. I think it was just a hunch. Maybe”

  


“Maybe” Sam offered. She couldn't help to notice how Cam's face lighted up when he talked about Sheppard.

  


“He stayed with me till the rescue team arrived. -So, he later tells me they gave him a spankin' for going off. He said he was already in the crapper, so there was no much they could do to him. But since he saved me; Medal of Honor worthy me” He said rolling his eyes “They just gave him a verbal reprimand. That's John for you, just winging it”

  


“He has done pretty well as the military commander of Atlantis” Sam said, truthfully. “Jack has always liked him. I think he reminds him of himself, Not that you can tell him that” she smiled, and Cam did so. Their mirth died out, and Sam could now see the wistfulness of Cam's eyes.

  


“When I was there, half a breath away from freezing to death and screaming in pain, ready to give up, he wouldn't let me. He grabbed me and forced me to keep alert, keep talking to me. I really have no idea what he was saying. But his eyes -I just kept staring into his eyes, wondering what color were they” He sighed, his factions still caught in the solace of the memory, and Sam inadvertently let out a sigh of her own.

  


“And what color are they?” That made Cam face her and smile.

  


“Still not sure. But I wanna know, or keep trying at least” He said, his smile dimming a slight, but still there. He jumped off the crate and walked towards her, his steps heavy, but resolute. “Thanks Sam” He nodded, but she broke the distance and gave him a hug.

  


“Thank you for sharing that” She pulled away, and she could see him caught off guard, but content. He opened his mouth to say something, but the intercom came to life.

  


“Colonel Carter, Colonel Mitchell; the Pegasus Gate is being dialed in” They looked at each other and briskly made their way to the communications room.

  


*****

  


Cam's heart was pounding. Something wasn't right. He could see Sam getting ahead. Something wasn't right. He wanted to stop, right there. Something wasn't right. When he stepped through the door, and saw Vala's face, he knew that something was horribly wrong.

  


“Colonel Ellis. Could you repeat that?” Sam said standing in front of the monitor. Ellis nodded at hear and repeated. Atlantis hadn't made it. Cam sat next to Vala, and she gave his arm a squeeze. He nodded in appreciation, fighting the urge to dart off again. No matter how much he prepared himself for loss, how much he was actually aware that things just end on the blink of an eye; when it came to this __not knowing,__ it was always pure dread crawling down his spine, twisting his bones, stealing his breath. He couldn't lose it now. Not when they had to find Atlantis. Cause there was one thing he knew, John wouldn't give up as long there was life in him left. Cam could only do the same. He nodded to Vala, resolution on his face, and she responded with a nod. He looked back at the screen, trying to focus.

  


“I'll head back to M12-578, dial you again in an hour, sooner if we hear from Atlantis” Ellis voice was firm and professional. Good, Cam thought.

  


“Sounds good. I'll update Stargate Command of the situation” Sam nodded and Ellis signed off. She turned around on the chair, looking at Cam carefully. He gave her a stern nod, this was no time for moping, he thought. “Alright, I'll dial SGC. We should also start looking into scenarios, and what we can do from here”

  


“Sounds good too” Cam said, sounding far more confident than he felt.

  


“I'll make more coffee” Vala supplied standing up “Dr. Lee; let's find the rest of your candy” He was about to protest but she interrupted him quickly. “We already cleared the rec room and the maintenance upper console. Let's go” Cam followed with his eyes as they left, then sat besides Sam on the console. He reached for the keyboard on his terminal, only to realize he had no idea what to do. He hated the feeling of helplessness. __What was he supposed to do?__ Sam turned to him, sympathy in her eyes.

  


“We'll find them. We'll find him” She said, firmly. “You wanna dial Earth?”

  


“Yeah. Yeah” That, he could do.

  


*****

  


Abe Ellis was not a fearful man. On the contrary, he was a decisive one, and he took great pride on that. That quality was what had brought him to be the first African-American to command a deep space carrier. A _s_ __paceship._ _ He had never apologized for his ambition before, but this was the first time he thought his prideful nature had turned to arrogance. Arrogance that the Asurans would have been so easily dealt with, arrogance that he just knew better than Dr. Weir. Now a whole city of people was lost God-knows where, and he had no idea where to start.

  


“Sir, no sign of Atlantis. No incoming broadcasts in any band.” His pilot, captain Pat Meyers, informed him with a little sigh.

  


“See if we have any luck tracking energy signatures. And radiation” But the answer was nothing. He wasn't expecting different. __Damn.__ But there was no time for that. “Alright, let's head back to a gate, we need to report to Midway and formulate our next move” He said firmly, confident. There was no point on blaming himself now. He was a decisive man after all, and he was going to find Atlantis.

  


*****

  


“Well, now __that's__ a plan” Cam said pointing to the screen before him,understanding maybe half of -generously- of the diagrams and equations in front of him, but getting the gist of it. Now, it was all built around the supposition that Atlantis had dropped out of hyper-space earlier than planned, which could be accountable by the hit from the Asuran satellite. That was the most likely scenario, unless Atlantis had blown to smithereens the moment it entered hyper-space, but they were not going there.

  


The plan was simple in theory; Find Atlantis by looking for it between Lantea and its new destination. That could take hundreds of jumps to cover all that distance much space. There's where _Sam's magic_ came into play; they would augment the Apollo's sensors to make those hundreds just fifty or so. It would require jury-rigging the _Apollo's_ sensors to expand far beyond their permitted capability. Sam had said there was little they could use from the SGC as the 304's repair bay was in Nevada, so they would have to use the _Apollo's_ own systems to modify the sensors. Ellis would not be happy about that. Although Cam felt rather useless on the whole planning deal, Vala had instead shone, putting her space-pirate knowledge to use. She knew her way around a spaceship; there was something to be said about single single-handedly stealing Earth's then only spaceship once.

  


“You were testing the al'kesh relay systems the other week. I remember you were trying to interface the repetition crystals with the communication module of a F-302” Vala had said to Sam breezily. Not even Cam knew that, and he always tried to keep up to date with everyone's job, even Daniel's. That was his _job_. And although Sam had sent her findings back to Nevada last week, Vala had just nodded and kept working. Cam was really impressed with how easily she could keep up with Sam and Bill; she was definitely a Jack of all trades.

  


Sam, Vala and Bill stared at the monitor with satisfaction, contemplating their job with pride. It would work, it was not gonna be pretty, but it would work. Cam took his cue, it was about he said something.

  


“Alright people, great job. We have our plan. Now we only have to wait out for Ellis and present it” He said, and as if waiting for him, the Pegasus Gate activated. “Right on time. Colonel Ellis. This is Colonel Mitchell. I assume you don't have good news?”

  


“That's right. I was hoping you had any ideas” Ellis said.

  


“I personally don't, but my team has been hard at work, and we have a plan” Cam stepped aside and Sam took his place talking to Ellis and started outlining the plan.

  


“I'm also here, you know” Dr. Lee whispered to him, and he actually sound a bit hurt.

  


“But you are part of my team! At least for this mission. You are the new Teal'c” Cam gave him a pat on the shoulder that made the good doctor flail a bit. He wasn't teasing him though, he meant it. “Welcome to SG-1”

  


“Uh.. Thanks” Dr. Lee seemed at a loss, but he nodded, almost bowed. Vala came next to him and whispered into his hear, loud enough that Cam could hear, barely though.

  


“Oh, you'll love it, I mean. Let me tell you about the welcoming orgy. It's quite something” The poor doctor let out a loud gasp, and Sam quickly turned to them, fury on her eyes. ' _ _Behave'.__ She turned back to Ellis and finished her pitch.

  


Ellis let out a sigh, and called for someone outside the screen. “How does that sound? It'll not leave us stranded in the void?”

  


“Hopefully not, Sir” A voice, out of camera, responded.

  


“Well, that's what we have. That's what we'll do” Ellis nodded to his side, and an data package was received by the Midway console. “We'll pick Colonel Carter and Dr. Lee on M7H-458; we'll beam you right on board so you can start working”

  


“Colonel, the rest of SG-1 will go as well” Cam said, and Ellis arched his eyebrow.

  


“Are you gonna help ransack my ship was well Mitchell?”

  


“Not really, maybe. But you never know when you might have need of Earth's finest. Well, Earth and... other planet?” Cam looked at Vala, his face a question, she just nodded and gave him a thumbs up. “Well, yeah” He sobered before continuing. “We don't know in what state we might encounter Atlantis in, and worst case scenario -Well, I know how to take replicators down”

  


“That I know. Fine by me, I'll pick the four of you as soon you are ready. See you soon” And with that Ellis faded from the monitor.

  


“All right SG-1, suit up. We have a city to find” He said giving another slap to Dr. Lee in the shoulder, who responded with an almost zealous nod.

  


“I'll update General Landry and tell him to get Kavanaugh here while we are gone” Sam said standing up and pocketing the flash-drive with their planning. Vala went along with Dr. Lee to pick up their gear, leaving him alone with Sam. “Holding?” She asked simply, standing besides him.

  


“Yup. I mean, it's always like this if you think about it” Cam gas going for humor, but that actually rung pretty true if he thought abut it. Sam and her smile seemed to agree with him. “Let's get Landry on the line” Cam said, convinced. That was enough for Sam, who nodded in return and dialed Earth. They were going to find Atlantis, they were going to find John. And he was going to make sure he appreciated all the galaxy hopping he was about to do.

  


*****

  


Teyla Emmagan held the riling tightly, as if making sure that Atlantis wouldn't give up under her weight. She heard Zelenka's voice giving the team a go. In that one jumper, that lone little jumper the people he had came to hold so dearly were going on a dangerous mission, and she had to stay behind, minding their home.

  


“Good luck” It was all that she could say. What else _was_ there to be said in a situation like that? She wanted to go with them, but John had a point; someone had to look over Atlantis, if it came to it. She had felt uncomfortable at first with such request. Why had he, and not Elizabeth, come to her with it? Teyla sighed, at least she was confident that military personnel would abide John's decision. Captain Tara Rodriguez, Lorne's right hand these days, had be pretty adamant that John trusted her with his life, and that it would be good that a civilian remained in charge. “We don't want the scientists to get all prickly” Tara had said with such levity it had raised Teyla's own fuddled mood. “Besides, I'm technically the highest ranking military member here right now, and I don't think I'm ready for the responsibility”

  


“He has a great deal of confidence in your skills” Teyla had quickly pointed out. Well, John had said __she's cool__ _._ But the sentiment was the same. Teyla agreed that it was a great responsibility, but she did not doubt her skills. __You are an excellent trader Teyla, a true diplomat. The Athosians always have had a great leader in you.__ _Elizabeth words had been unexpected to Teyla back then, but now they were the gentle reminder of their mutual respect and friendship. She would keep Atlantis safe, yet, sh_ e certainly hoped it didn't come to that; what she wanted was for John, Elizabeth, Ronon and Rodney to made it back safely. But she had to be prepared.

  


The jumper was now gone, and Teyla let out a sigh in lieu of a prayer; she found praying to the ancestors harder these days. Radek, sitting besides her, raised an eyebrow quizzically, but she gently shook her head. He let out a heftier sigh of his own. It seemed that they shared reservations about the dangers of this mission. They both understood their doubts were better left unsaid at this point nonetheless. They would face them as they came. He shifted to his side and winced in discomfort, he had said the wound was more bothersome than painful, but she still worried. He stood up awkwardly, saying he had to check on the security team to send them to make another sweep. He told Teyla he'd look for her later to go over the evacuation protocols. She nodded and Radek left quietly, limping still but pushing through, as if a meteorite hadn't pierced his leg -letting her alone with her thoughts. And that was something she was not keen on.

  


The control room was almost empty. Chuck remained on his station, with only he and Amelia remaining as technicians in the city, they had taken longer shifts, alternating to sleep and eat. Teyla was glad most non-critical personnel was on board of the __Apollo_ _ ; Atlantis was not safe. Perhaps it would never be again, but there was no point in dwelling. There was still time, nothing to be done but to wait. She stared at Chuck intently; his eyes were blood-shot, and he kept sipping on a cup of coffee. “Chuck” she called to him. The technician seemed to take a moment to focus on her. “How long until Amelia takes over?”

  


“Uhm, less than an hour” He rubbed his eyes, letting out a yawn.

  


“You should get some rest after you are done with your shift, Perhaps laying down on the coffee would be best?” She said concerned, and slightly authoritative. Chuck stared at his cup, as if deciding to keep drinking from it or not still.

  


“You are probably right” He pushed the drink aside, out of reach. “I don't think I'll catch much sleep either way” He sighed, then remaining silent for a moment. He looked more vulnerable than she had ever seen him. He was a fine young man, good at his job, but Teyla could not say she knew him deeply. He was quiet in his free time, and she did not know if she had many friends, except for Amelia.

  


“How are you holding up, Chuck?” She asked coming to sit next to him on his console. He seemingly fought the impulse to answer immediately, actually giving the question some thought instead of answering __I'm fine__ as the people of Earth tended to do. Except Rodney, he always spoke, very precisely, of what bothered him.

  


“I'm worried for Dr. Weir” He replied, and Teyla had to fight the urge to let out a pained sigh. She did not want to think about Elizabeth, she could not allow herself that. “I overheard Keller and Beckett. He is pissed. I don't think I have ever seen him like that”

  


“It is quite a rare sight” Teyla said with a shake of the head. __What have you done Rodney?__ His words still rung on Teyla's head, ominous, a warning. Had it been such a bad idea, to save Elizabeth?

  


“Yeah” Chuck smiled without much mirth, it did not last long. “I don't think they will let her stay as the Leader of the expedition. Those nanites -our bosses will think she is dangerous”

  


“Rodney is sure the nanites can't communicate” But even as she spoke, she knew. She knew. Chuck sighed.

  


“Best case scenario she gets replaced. Worst case -they either lock her up on a lab or-” He did not finish the thought. Teyla was well aware what he meant. _Termination._

  


She did not want to think about Elizabeth, because Elizabeth's life as she knew it was gone. Teyla wanted to tell her she would not turn away from her, wanted to comfort her in these troubling times. She wanted to go with her friend, that friend that had welcomed her and her people with open arms, that had taught her so much about diplomacy; and leading. Teyla had noticed, how Elizabeth subtly asked for Teyla's input on important matters, on complicated negotiations. A lot of people from the expedition -much less so than that first year, she was happy to say- saw her as a __savage_ _. But Elizabeth always saw past the surface that differentiated their peoples, and took great interest in her mind and her opinions, and Teyla would always be grateful for that opportunity. When John asked her to take care of the expedition on their absence, it was certainly not self-doubt what caused her doubts.

  


Although that conversation with John lead to another question, that question that kept intruding on her thoughts. Why didn't Elizabeth ask herself? She knew the answer, but accepting it, that was much harder. John didn't trust Dr. Weir. And Teyla, with great shame, perhaps thought the same.

  


Chuck yawned, and Teyla kept looking at the black horizon, her hands firmly on the railing, but her thoughts even more firmly on Elizabeth. Was she still her dear friend? Had this been a tremendous mistake like Carson thought? Was this mission doomed to fail, a trap of their own making? She sighed, wishing she could rid herself of such troublesome thoughts.

  


*****

  


Marie was finishing cleaning the operating room. Normally that wasn't her job but, well. They were certainly understaffed.

  


“I'm so sorry Marie. Got held up with Dr. Beckett and-” But before Jennifer could continue Marie just walked to her removing her gloves and held her by the shoulders.

  


“Don't. Worry. I told you I had this. You have too much in your mind right now” Marie smiled warmly, and Jennifer felt the tears forming on the corner of her eyes. God, she was a mess. She had never seen Dr. Becket angry like that, or angry at all.

  


“Oh Marie, do you blame me?” She rubbed her eyes, forcing the tears to be gone. Marie nonetheless lead her to a chair, carefully sitting her down.

  


“I don't blame you for anything. You did what you thought was best; you did it thinking about your patient.” Marie let out a sigh, her eyes now staring somewhere beyond. “We are on a gray area of ethics here. Dr. Beckett just sees things differently”

  


“Could you tell him that? Cause I wanted to tell him that, but it didn't go well” Jennifer sniffled; she felt pathetic asking for Marie to defend her to Dr. Beckett. To be truthful, Jennifer had always relied on the nurses through her career. As a general rule, they always look after you if you were kind to them, they were generous with their knowledge if you were humble, and would give you a hug if you needed one.

  


“Let's give him his space” Marie squeezed her hand before moving to dispose of her surgical gown. “This is very hard for him too; Dr. Weir is more than a colleague; she is his friend. It was him who looked after her after she was infected by the nanites. If anyone knew the risks of the procedure, it was him.”

  


Jennifer looked at the nurse who had helped her so much since she had arrived to Atlantis. That kind woman that made her think a lot of her mom lately. “You do think what I did was wrong” It was not an accusation, more like realization, Marie faced her, not loosing the tenderness of her features.

  


“I too was there, Jennifer. If it had been my call, I would have agreed with Dr. Beckett. But it was not, and we all will just have to deal with the repercussions of this”

  


“Repercussions? But she is fine-” Only then Jennifer realized it; the magnitude of what she and Dr. Mckay had done. “They'll never let her remain in charge” In their attempt to save Dr. Weir's life, they had destroyed the life she had.

  


“Come on” Marie extended her hand. “A cup of coffee should do us some good” Jennifer wanted to go right back to Carson and resign right there, she had blown it up; she had blown out the opportunity of a life time and ruined the life of a woman that had been nothing but kind and generous with her. After Dr. Beckett's accident, Dr. Weir had been so confident she would be able to cover for him during his recovery. It was Dr. Weir's confidence what made her think she could actually do it. It was just a couple of weeks, but she had run the Medical Team without a hitch until Dr. Beckett had been cleared for duty. The morning of the attack, Dr. Weir had called her to talk about her future in the expedition. She had been worried at first, but Dr. Weir reassured it was nothing bad, quite the opposite. With Dr. Beckett busier these days with his investigations, Dr. Weir wanted her to take over off-world medical operations. She didn't want to step on any toes, but Dr. Beckett had apparently already given his blessing -adding that he had said he would find some free time lovely- She had been so excited that morning. And now, and now. Yeah, she was probably not going to last much more around. Marie was looking expectantly at her still and Jennifer let out a sigh. Coffee did sound good.

  


*****

  


Carson Beckett heard Dr. Keller and Marie as the passed in front of his door. Only he remained at medical, and he was truly alone with his thoughts, and a fifteen year old bottle of scotch his father had given him when he got the job -the job he could only allude too to his family- He had thought he would drink this bottle given two situations. One, if they saved someone from a certain death, or two, if he lost someone very close. Holding the bottle in his hand, he was still not sure which one was it. __Carson, it's okay._ _ Elizabeth voice was still vivid on his mind, and he knew she was lying. He  _knew_  she would have not wanted this, but Rodney, he had to pull Dr. Keller into that nonsense. Now Elizabeth was – Dear Lord he couldn't even grasp at what she was feeling, and she didn't even have the time to process everything that had happened to her before going out on that bloody mission. Nonetheless she was strong, she would deal with it if it meant saving Atlantis; that he knew. But what came next? They had crossed a line; Rodney had shoved his way up right to God's domain -And Carson knew how dangerous that was, his own mistakes neatly filed on the folders of his cabinet-. Nanites, creating their own architecture fully compatible with the human brain, replacing neurological structures and their functions. Carson still didn't know what the fallout would be, but he was fully aware of what it meant.

  


Elizabeth Weir had became the first human/replicator hybrid in existence.

  


“Oh dear” Carson said, taking a full swing of the scotch bottle.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is greatly appreciated!
> 
> Edit: removed some bits that felt kinda extraneous (I'll miss that McGyver bit tho)


	3. Catching Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carson reminisces about Elizabeth, and the Apollo is ready to start looking. Cam's memories take him back to the first time he met John after he saved him in Antarctica.

There was definitely a serenity on the endless expanse of void ahead. As much as they were lost in the middle of nowhere -well, not lost; they knew where they were, spatially speaking- The chances of encountering any threats out there were almost zero. Although given the bad luck they were having today, it would have not been a surprise if a Wraith ship just appeared right in front of them. Carson waited for a moment, staring at the nothingness. Nothing. He let out a sigh, because there was not much else he could do. The engineering teams had taken care as best of they could of the damage done by the asteroid field, and his own team had seen to those that had been hurt. He wanted to go after the bodies of the poor souls that were trapped when the shield collapsed to the main tower, but that was impossible right now. They had to send them back to their families, it was the right thing to do. It was what he would want for himself.

  
  


He stretched his leg. His knee was bothering him again. Recovery was not going as well as it should, but given how crazy things were around here, it was not a surprise at all. He would be out of the field for a while; he could not say that he'd miss getting kidnapped and shot at, though. Going out there was now Keller's job. But even thinking about her right now made his spirits drop. How could have she gone against his orders? How could have she gone through with  __ that _ _ ? He knew it wasn't just on her though, oh, he knew who was the real mastermind of the mess they were in. But Rodney McKay was on a jumper to a practically suicidal mission now, so there was not much yelling that could be done. He didn't want to yell at Keller, so he just had remained almost silent while she tried to explain herself. Perhaps his silence had been worst; she had left his office pale and almost on the brink of tears. Poor dear. Carson shook the thought, he could feel sympathy for her, but he could not accept what she had done.

  
  


He could see it on Elizabeth's eyes, the burning and painful question.  __ Am I human anymore?  _ _ He could not help looking away. Elizabeth wanted to die human, that he knew, that he had heard with his own two ears one cold night almost a year ago. As she usually did, she had smiled to Sheppard's team, her  __ I'm fine  _ _ as convincing as ever. They had believed, perhaps just because they had wanted to believe. But he couldn't help the doubt he felt. How was it to be destroyed from the inside? Made to think you are loosing your mind? He ha discharged her the day after she had woken up, but urging her to take the whole day to rest on her quarters. She had said she would try, but that there was a lot of work to be done. True to form, Elizabeth had returned to her office that afternoon. She left orders not to be disturbed, as she had a lot of work to catch up.

  
  


When Sheppard's team returned later that day from offworld, he had frowned at Elizabeth's direction. Rodney instead was quite happy, sure that it meant that Elizabeth was fine and leaving it at that. The hours had gone by, and as the city quieted and the lights dimmed, she still remained up there. That would not do. He knocked on her door softly, and he could see in her eyes the desire to just turn him away. He saw her sigh, and waved him to come in.

  
  


“Carson, what can I do for you?” She asked, too composed, almost stiff. He let out a sigh.

  
  


“Elizabeth, you should be resting” He chided almost instantly. Her smile in return was not warm.

  
  


“You said I'm physically well. And I have slept enough for a week as it is” Her attempt at nonchalance was good, but not enough for Carson.

  
  


“Aye. Your body is fine, but Elizabeth, this was a gruesome experience, love” He pushed when she attempted to wave him off. “I think you should go talk to Kate”

  
  


“No” She refused quickly, forcefully. “I don't think it will inspire too much confidence to the rest of the expedition”

  
  


“Would you give that as a reason if anyone else was in your position? What if it was Sheppard?”

  
  


“It's my job to look after the city Carson. And right now, I need to be here, working and not having a meltdown with my shrink” If she tried to hide the bite of her words, it had been a failure. Carson tried to not show his surprise, but that was as clear. “I'm sorry Carson”

  
  


“That's alright” He said, truly sympathetic. “Well, if you are not gonna talk to Kate, I have another suggestion.”

  
  


“Mmm?” She arched her eyebrow.

  
  


“We could crack open the bottle of ruus wine in you bottom drawer” She leaned back on her chair, and gave him the first genuine smile of that day.

  
  


“That we could do”

  
  


The evening got progressively colder, but the wine kept them warm. At first Elizabeth had minded if anyone would come knocking, but Carson had reminded her it was past eleven already. Unless there was an emergency, no one would bother them. Only Chuck had came by, and only waved at them from outside.

  
  


“He always does that, you know” She sipped from her glass, enjoying it, but certainly not downing it at once. “Every end of shift he comes by and waves at me, or comes to ask me if I need something”

  
  


“Perhaps he likes you”

  
  


“He is a sweet kid.” She replied, making sure the emphasis was on __kid__ _._

  
  


“And what happened with that scientist that took to to lunch -that day” Carson still didn't like to talk much about _that day_ , a mixture of wanting to forget how close he came to blow up and embarrassment for the same reason. Elizabeth knew this, so she just nodded.

  
  


“I'm not looking to get involved with anyone in this expedition, Carson” She leaned on the table, her cheeks slightly flushed. “It's not proper”

  
  


Carson pondered for a moment, his thoughts on a moment where Elizabeth had been very intently watching Ronon and Sheppard spar. Well, it had been more like Ronon pummeling Sheppard “Ronon is not technically part of the expedition if you look it that way” She stared at him blankly for a moment, before bursting out laughing. He joined her as well, perhaps due to the wine, but it was a good laugh. When it subsided, she looked at him; really looked at him.

  
  


“Thank you Carson” She said poignantly nodding, to make sure he understood. He reached out for her hand and held her. It was a entirely platonic gesture. Sometimes people just need comfort.

  
  


“Any time love” He said letting go. He was considering that it might be time to call it a night, but then Elizabeth spoke again, her voice now heavier.

  
  


“I read the file, about me” She said, pouring more wine on her glass. A lot more wine. “It was a dangerous gambit to infect me with wraith DNA to trick the replicator cells”

  
  


“Aye, and it worked” He said confidently.

  
  


“But if it hadn't -what, what would have I become” The look on her eyes made a shiver run down Carson's spine.

  
  


“Let's not dwell on that” But her eyes remained fixed on his. He shrugged, and then drunk all the content of his own glass. Elizabeth poured him another. “I really don't know Elizabeth. I don't think anyone knows” He sighed, heavily; so much it almost hurt. “I don't know if it would have simply killed you. I don't know if your consciousness would have been replaced by _something else_ or remained; and even if so, would have been you, or __something__ that would think it was you” He could hear Elizabeth audibly gulp.

  
  


“I would have been a threat” She said, strangely dispassionate. She held on for a moment, as if gathering her thoughts. “If something like that ever happens again, Carson, I don't want to put this city in danger” She sighed and waited for him to nod in return. “If -if I am to die, I want to die being _myself_. I want to die human”

  
  


Carson looked out the window, Elizabeth's words ringing like church bells on his head. She was out there, living her nightmare, unable to tell anyone -because she wouldn't want to bloody worry them, because they had to save Atlantis- He let out a pained sigh. He had failed her.

  
  


“Oh Elizabeth, I'm so sorry” he whimpered, grabbing the riling so hard that his hands went white.

  
  


*****

  
  


SG-1 -Now with temporary member, Dr. Bill Lee- beamed into the  __ Apollo _ _ from M7H-458 barely out of the gate. Dr. Lee not getting his picture of the woods. Ellis turned to them and nodded, forgoing the formalities. It was time to get to work; Cam could definitely appreciate that. Although he had told Ellis that we would not help ransack his ship, at the end he did took part of it very hands on. While Sam and Lee with the help of the  __ Apollo's _ _ engineers started to cannibalize -as Ellis put it- the subspace communication systems, he and Vala had been sent to retrieve the communications array of three 302's. Ellis had gave Sam a unappreciative look but she just shrugged. He sighed  __ fine. _ _ Although Ellis kept making comments abut them tearing away his brand new ship, he was actually very accommodating of Sam's requests, more than would have been required of him, Cam thought. He thought he knew the reason; Abraham Ellis felt guilty.

  
  


It was not his fault, Cam knew. That was something that Cam himself had to learn. There was not much to be done when the intel was wrong, when the orders came from above. Cam had blamed himself many times over the years for what happened in Afghanistan. It wasn't his fault. Some days it sounded more like truth than others. The days Sheppard said it were the days he most believed it. It wasn't his fault, it didn't change the outcome, it didn't bring people back, but at least it allowed to live with himself, and use the life he had left to do some good.

  
  


He wasn't about to go to Ellis and offer him a shoulder to cry on though. They were not that close. Meaningful nod it was then. Ellis seemed to appreciate that, making sure he and Vala felt right at home, treating them just as part of the crew. Cam liked that his rank didn't get in the way; he was all for the idea everyone should just follow the ship's captain orders. They had been sent to the hangar with one technician, and the three of them had made quick work of retrieving the arrays and made their way back to the Engineering.

  
  


There they found Sam and Dr. Lee deep into discussion, with him suggesting that they should have to write an entire new program to control the modified sensors. Before they would become lost in their discussion, Cam made his presence known.

  
  


“We brought you your knick-knacks, Sam” He said cheerily putting the array on the table in front of her. He still wasn't quite sure what they were going to do with them. “Need help installing these?” He offered innocently. Both she and Dr. Lee went silent almost immediately, and they actually shared a look. That was not good.

  
  


“Okay. Then I guess you'll need a spacesuit” Sam answered brightly. A short pep talk later, he was suited up and clawing his way under the hull, looking for the main communications array. He should have not offered so easily. __The things I do for you, John.__

  
  


The fact that he was moving through space should have been more impressive, but he guessed this kind of life tended to rob people of the ability of wonder a bit. Just floating through space, no biggie. He moved through the hull, still weirded out at relatively being upside but not feeling it due the lack of gravity. He would always find that weird. Bless them artificial gravity generators on the 302's. He grabbed the ledge coming in front of him, finally reaching the access terminal. He was almost there. He spun around, planting his feet on the hull, and activated his magnetic boots.

  
  


“Alright Sam, I'm latched” __Was that the term?__ “What should I do next?”

  
  


“It should be easy, just open the panel and look for the wiring that looks like the one in the 302. You just have to use the spliced adapters I gave you and make the connection to the array brig”

  
  


“Piece of cake” He wanted to make sure the sarcasm in his voice was noticeable. Sam laughed.

  
  


“It's really the same connection you saw on the 302, you can do it” He let out an unconvincing okay sound and got to work. It really wasn't as difficult as he thought. He replaced the adapters and connected the big, still strapped to his back.

  
  


“Are you getting any readings Sam?” He asked. There was silence for a minute, but before he could repeat, her voice came into his ear.

  
  


“Yes, perfect” She muttered something to her side, probably Dr. Lee. “Make sure the adapters are well in place”

  
  


“I know how to plug a socket, Carter” He said with fake indignation.

  
  


“Okay, okay. Now you can place the brig over the console, make sure it snaps well in the place the latch would be. But I'm sure you know how to do that”

  
  


“Of course I do. I am a man of many-” He struggled to push the brig, but it finally snapped in place “-talents”

  
  


“I know. You make a fine doctor too” She said breezily, but Cam couldn't help to smile at that. “Alright, we want this to hold, so use the welder to seal the access panel”

  
  


“My welding is also very good. Remember my grandpa's old Harley? I fixed her all by myself. They won't be able to take this thing off, warn ya” He worked in silence for the next couple minutes, until he was finished. “And done”

  
  


“Readings are fine; Lee is still calibrating the sensor augmentation but you can head back. Major Lorne is almost finished on his end. We are almost done. Good job Cam.” He let out a sigh and secured the welder to his belt. That had been interesting, another bit to add to his classified resume. He started to make his way back, until he noticed something.

  
  


He looked up, realizing that he hadn't seen these stars before. This was a completely different firmament. The thought took him by surprise. Millions and millions of stars out there, whose light he had never seen before. These were the stars that John saw before he slept. He had been okay with them not even sharing the same stars at night. But right then, on the hull of a spaceship looking at the void of space, knowing that John was somewhere out there, he didn't know he could be okay with that anymore.

  
  


By the time he had returned, Engineering was packed full of people, including Ellis. As he entered he finally saw Major Lorne for the first time since he had boarded the  _ Apollo. _  He gave his friend a tight embrace. Lorne motioned to the main console, where Sam sat speaking to the rest. The calibration of the sensors had been a success and they were ready to start actually looking.

  
  


“It will take us fifty or so jump to cover the distance between M12-578 and Lantea. The scanning itself will take us less time than actually jumping” Sam explained to the rest of the crew, finally addressing Ellis in particular. “Although we are dispersing any excess energy to the hull, I advice we don't use non-essential systems while we do this”

  
  


“Alright” Ellis nodded to his communications officer, who left the room to return to his post and relay Sam's suggestion. “We'll head off to the bridge and start this egg-hunt”

  
  


“Ready when you are” Cam answered, and the three colonels, followed by Vala and Dr. Lee, made their way to the bridge.

  
  


*****

  
  


Teyla remained silent by Tara's side as she spoke through the intercom. Her voice was calm and comforting, a great quality given the situation, she thought. Radek was sitting on the console next to them; he showed no major discomfort, but he still moved carefully. Carson had said that although he didn't want Zelenka to push himself too much, he was allowed to walk, as long he tried to avoid putting too much weight on his damaged leg, but Teyla couldn't stop being concerned. Captain Rodriguez had been careful to not tax him more than necessarily, sending him back to the control room to rest while the security team finished securing the city -the tower- perimeter. Teyla had dissuaded Radek from going back to the science labs, telling him that if they needed him, they'd call. She had also made sure they didn't call for him unless it was absolutely necessary.

  
  


As Captain Rodriguez finished explaining the evacuation plan they all hoped they would never have to use, she sent for all not currently engaged personnel to head to the rec room. “There are still seven more hours of waiting to be done; you'll better get some relaxation, and there's nothing better than a MacGyver marathon for that” She finished trying to lighten the mood. Amelia waited for her signal and cut the communication off.

  
  


“That was very good, Tara. Thank you for speaking to the city” Teyla said bowing her head slightly, to which Rodriguez nodded in return.

  
  


“You should try get some sleep Captain” Amelia Banks had returned to duty a couple of hours ago, sitting on Chuck's place instead of her console -were now Radek was sat- she was far more fresh faced than the other three people in the room. Rodriguez stretched, tired, and walked to the chair next to her.

  
  


“I intend to, not so sure I'll succeed though” She sat lazily on the chair, her jacket discarded hours ago and her sleeves rolled up to her elbows. Teyla couldn't help being reminded of John by this, and that lead thinking about the rest. How are they faring? Are they succeeding, or are they already dead? She let out a sigh trying to clear her mind. Tara spoke again “I think I'll rather take my own advice and head to the rec room. There's nothing better to get some shut eye than some MacGyver. Not just yet though” Rodriguez smiled to herself, enjoying the comfort of the chair for a little while longer.

  
  


The four of them remained sitting on the control room for a while, mostly in silence with the odd question thrown by someone from time to time. It would have been peaceful not for the reason they were all there. Teyla could not help to feel that Atlantis was headless without John, Elizabeth and Rodney. She could see the rest of the inhabitants of the city unsure to whom come over to; that's why she had made sure to stay in the control room or Elizabeth's office for most of the time. People could request an update from the control room at any time, but they also needed to see that someone was up there, looking over them.

 

The stillness was broken when captain Rodriguez suddenly sat up, her expression unreadable “Dr. Beckett”

 

“Hello Tara. Haven't seen each other in a while” He said, awkwardly, they exchanged a look that went in for too long before she excused herself saying it was time to rest a bit. Teyla and Amelia shared a knowing look.

  
  


“Carson, please, sit with us” Teyla offered pointing to the chair besides her. He smiled warmly and obliged, his mood much more restored, thankfully. She had fought the urge of go looking for him earlier, but he had been clear he wanted to be left alone.

  
  


“Thank you dear” He sat down slowly, making sure to not tax his bad knee. Teyla gave him a look, but he waved her off. “Too long standing up, it gets stiff. And you Radek, you should be resting”

  
  


“I am resting, see?” Dr. Zelenka burrowed into the chair, his eyes defiant. Carson let out a sigh, deciding to drop it. Teyla thought It would be hypocritical of him to chide Radek when he had been doing the same the last week, and specially today. Carson huffed, now turning her attention to Teyla.

  
  


“It must be hard been this far from your people, aye?” He asked. She was about to say they were all worried about their friends, but he meant __her__ people, the Athosians. She froze. “Teyla?”

  
  


“I have been very occupied and haven't given it much though” She responded sincerely but avoiding his gaze. Had she truly not spared a single thought for her people? She knew they were right; they were in New Athos, caring for their growing crops, working on their crafting, living. But she should have thought about them. She sighed, ashamed of herself. It was not easy to live in Atlantis without seeing it as her home, knowing she already had one. The reason she had came to the city was to help her people; and she would always keep fighting for that, but life in Atlantis itself had became it's own reward. She cared deeply for her Athosian kin, but she could not deny the feeling of belonging she had now, with __these__ people. It was all very confusing. Perhaps it would come the day she would have to make a choice. But this was not the day. Today it was her duty to look over Atlantis.

  
  


“Uh?” Amelia leaned over her console, her hands furiously typing between the ancient console and her laptop. Teyla's brow furrowed instantly, and she quickly made her way besides the technician. “I'm... I'm getting a reading” Teyla felt a shiver run down her spine. Asuran? Wraith? She didn't feel anything, but perhaps they were too far yet? Atlantis was completely defenseless, activating the chair would drain the little power they had left, and they didn't even have John or Major Lorne to do it. Carson? Captain Rodriguez?

  
  


“Hold on” Zelenka said from his seat, a smile forming on his lips. “The signal is distorted -But it's our technology”

  
  


“They are too far away for engage communications” Amelia's dexterous fingers worked through the keyboard. “They are gone” Silence permeated the room, even as both Zelenka and Banks attempted to find anything.

  
  


“Hyperspace window opening” Zelenka shouted.

  
  


“Hailing on Earth frequencies. This is Atlantis, do you copy?” Amelia swallowed when they didn't get an answer.

  
  


“Long range sensors are not working -We don't have visual confirmation of what it is” Zelenka typed again, furiously “I can confirm the energy signatures at least are human” Teyla motioned Amelia to patch her through the system

  
  


“This is Atlantis, please respond” Teyla said, pressing her headset too hard, her face on a grimace.

  
  


“Oh no...” Zelenka's voice uneasy, just above a whisper. “Short range sensors are showing a small craft coming our way. Fast”

  
  


“It's not wraith” Teyla closed her eyes, and opened them after a moment. Carson looked at her, expecting. “I'm sure”

  
  


“Incoming communication” Amelia said, her voice getting caught. The four of them waited expectantly on the dim-lit control room for a voice to be heard.

  
  


*****

  
  


Cam walked down the corridor, frustrated. This was not what he had had in mind, this was not what he had signed for. He wanted to be part of SG-1 because they were the best. What was the point of being on SG-1 if he had to start staffing it from scratch? He was so entranced on his thoughts he almost didn't notice the people in front of him.

  
  


“Aye, I'll go check up on Carolyn, Have to congratulate her before I leave” Cam could hear the Scottish accent on the man's voice. The dark haired woman next to him smiled and gave him a slight squeeze on the shoulder.

  
  


“Give her my best. Though I think I'm still not her favorite person” She said, arching her eyebrow.

  
  


“Nonsense. And as you can see, things turned out very well for her” He gave the woman a wave and turned to the corridor leading to the infirmary. She looked ahead to him, and started walking on his direction, a knowing look in her eyes.

  
  


“Lieutenant Colonel Mitchell. I'm not surprised to see you here” She said with a soft smirk on her face. Cam smiled and added a nod, it was the proper thing to do, even when he had no idea who she was. She let out a small laugh “Relax, we haven't met before. But it is my job to know people. I'm Dr. Weir”

  
  


“Dr. Elizabeth Weir, the previous Commander of SGC” He saluted primly, even hen she was no military. He remembered that name; she was the Commander during the fight of Antarctica, even if he hadn't know her face, he knew very well of her.

  
  


“And current Commander of the Atlantis Expedition” He heard a voice behind him, a voice he hadn't heard over a year.

  
  


“Ah, Sheppard. You made it. I was starting to worry” She said with a bit of bite, but the smile firmly planted on her face. “I heard you were coming down. I'm heading out to meet with General Landry, I'll let him know all my staff is accounted for. We still have twenty hours before leaving, I trust you can keep out of trouble?”

  
  


“Aye aye captain” John stood besides him, but didn't look at him, Cam could see the grin on his face though.

  
  


“I'll leave you two to it then. I'm sure you have a lot to catch up with” She nodded and walked past them.

  
  


“Do we?” John turned to her, his brow furrowed, almost asking  _how would you know?_.

  
  


“I might not care about your military records; doesn't meant I don't know them. Intensively” She replied turning her head to them for a moment, her grin triumphant. She then disappeared in the next corner.

  
  


“We do though” He finally turned to Cam, and his smile was fond. Cam swallowed hard.

  
  


“Sheppard” Cam gave him a firm handshake, trying to push away the brittleness he felt on his whole body. “I suppose you are part of this whole Atlantis deal?”

  
  


“Yup. I'm the leader of the military contingent” John, __Sheppard__ , sounded overwhelmed for a moment, before returning to his normal -Cam thought at least- demeanor. He was cocky and flippant, that did check out with what little he had seen of him. Although the circumstances of their last -and only encounter- had been very different.

  
  


“Would I make an ass of myself if I admitted I have still no idea what the Atlantis Expedition actually is?” Cam said, not without his own charm, making Sheppard laugh. He knew Jackson was going there on the Daedalus, but he had no idea there was an expedition. Or where Atlantis was actually located. Everyone just kept talking about Atlantis like he was supposed to know, despite the fact he had only entered the SGC yesterday, and Atlantis wasn't the sort of thing that was on the welcoming brochure, or the SG-1 reports, to be exact.

  
  


“Gotta drop this” Sheppard raised his hand, showing his ratty duffel bag “Walk and talk?” Cam nodded to this, and they walked down the empty corridor. “So, the whole reason why you were in Antarctica protecting SG-1?”

  
  


“The location of the Lost City. Atlantis. I know they succeeded -”

  
  


“Thanks to you” Sheppard cut him off.

  
  


“I was a part of it” Cam said professionally, but Sheppard's smile was warm. “I knew it was a success, but I don't know the specifics of what happened after”

  
  


“Well, I'm assuming you have clearance for it. If not you wouldn't be down here”

  
  


“That I do have. New leader of SG-1, apparently. Not much of a team just yet though” He gave Sheppard a little shrug.

  
  


“Congratulations!” Sheppard said beaming and giving him a pat on the shoulder. Cam smiled, although the whole situation still registered as bizarre on his head still. He had expected to see him again for so long, to thank him for saving his life. But Sheppard just treated him like an old friend, not the guy he pulled from a wreckage. And Cam didn't know if he preferred that or not. “So it turns out Atlantis is on another galaxy” Sheppard continued, shifting his duffel bag to his other hand. “Pegasus they call it. It has been a very eventful year”

  
  


“Now I get why they said you were on a classified mission” Cam let out a small sigh. There was a lot he still didn't know. Sheppard stopped, and turned to him.

  
  


“Did you get my postcard?” And there was something in his voice that made Cam's mind go to that line of thought he had to avoid, most certainly.

  
  


“Yeah. Thank you” Cam said succinctly. They had reached John's, __Sheppard's__ _,_ quarters. Cam knew that he had to say his thanks, then his goodbyes, wish him a good trip and leave. “I'll leave you to it, then” He attempted to give Sheppard a relaxed nod but he could feel his own awkwardness.

  
  


“Alright. It was nice to catch up” Sheppard said, and it seemed like that would be it, until he spoke again. “You should drop by later” And it was such a simple statement that Cam didn't know what to even think.

  
  


“Okay” Cam could only say; was only _able_ to say. He turned on his heels and walked away, knowing he shouldn't come back. He had spent the last year thinking about John Sheppard, but he hadn't considered necessary asking himself __why.__ That way leads trouble, grandma would say.

  
  


So when an hour later he found himself again at Sheppard's door after failing miserably to convince Jackson once again to stay, he knew he was a sucker for trouble. But he was just going for a friendly talk, how would that be trouble? He knocked the door, perhaps too loud, wincing at the sound. The door opened, Sheppard on the other side only wearing a black tee, his hair ruffled. His hair was always ruffled.

  
  


“Mitchell” Sheppard said, a grin forming on his face as he held the door knob. Cam still knew that he just should to say his thanks, then his goodbyes, wish him a good trip and __leave__. So when Sheppard signaled with his head to enter, he didn't quite understand why he did it so immediately.

  
  


“Nice, isn't it?” Sheppard said closing the door behind them, his duffel bag was on the only chair in the room and he made no attempt to move it, and sat on the neatly made bed “Not as nice as Atlantis, but nice for a bunker inside of a mountain. Have you checked your quarters yet. I'll bet they'll be nicer.”

  
  


“Haven't got the chance. Slept on the couch last night” Cam stood in the middle of the room, awkwardly. His mood turning heaver by the second.

  
  


“Come on. Sit down.” Sheppard said slapping the empty space next to him. “We don't have to talk about it. But if you are anything like me, you may wanna” __Anything like me.__

  
  


Cam doubted for a minute, but obliged, making sure there was enough distance to not feel John's warmth on his skin. He was not going there. He could not go there. “There's -there's nothing I can say or do to thank you enough. You get that, right?” Cam smiled nervously, passing a hand through his hair. “I wanted to go for formal,  __ Thank you very much for saving my life, Major Sheppard _ _ _ .  _ But everything I could say would sound empty to the gratitude I actually feel” He turned to Sheppard, and tried to say with his eyes what he could not say with his voice; perhaps it was a mistake to dwell on John's eyes though. He looked away, too quickly, letting out a ragged breath.

  
  


“You're welcome” John said sincerely, his voice the most honest he had heard it today. As honest as he had heard it almost a year ago. “I really don't know how to accept this kind of thanks either”

  
  


“I think we did pretty good” Cam said trying to lift the mood, and John gave him a grin in return. He felt comfortable around him, and it was comforting indeed to know he hadn't spent the last year imaging a John Sheppard the real one would not live up to. John Sheppard was exactly as he remembered him to be. As he __wanted__ him to be like.

  
  


“I meant it -my congratulations.” John clarified when Cam seemed at a loss. “I'm really glad you got SG-1, and get out in the field” Cam could feel the hint of another question really behind John's words. He stretched his leg, giving it a pat. “Yeah. Sorry” John looked apologetic.

  
  


“Nah. Don't” Cam looked down at his leg. “Sometimes it gets stiff if I spend too long on a bad position, but I can manage. But I'm back. And again, thanks” John smiled, but it was almost sad.

  
  


“Atlantis spent almost this whole year out of reach. Things got pretty hairy out there before reinforcements and the __Daedalus__ showed up”

  
  


“How hairy?”

  
  


“I made my will a couple of times.” There was something dark behind John's eyes, and Cam didn't know what to do. “But the thing is, it would have sucked to die without knowing how things went for you” John scratched his chin, the rasp of stubble almost audible. “I went to see you a couple times when you were still at McMurdo, but after you were flown out I didn't knew much. Then when the expedition was being put together, at least I could ask about where you were”

  
  


“Postcard” Cam said, solving a mystery he hadn't realized it was one.

  
  


“Yeah” John took a long breath. “A while ago I lost some good people, because I was too late, because I didn't try hard enough” John stopped, taking a deep breath “I can't take that back; but knowing that I got you out, and you are fine, more than fine. It helps a lot. So I guess, what I'm saying, is -thanks to you too”

  
  


Cam smiled at this, nodding in understanding. He liked John,  __ Sheppard _ _ , he was a good person; that much he knew since the moment he met him. He also knew his military record wasn't the best one -he had indeed gone through his file, thus was pretty sure what Sheppard mean when he said  __ I lost some good people _ _ \- One their records, they were very different. Landry was right about his  __ outwardly perfection _ _ _ ,  _ there was no denying that's how people saw him -regardless of how true it actually felt- for all he knew of Sheppard, for what people had  _ told  _ him about Sheppard, he shouldn't have made it past Captain. But there he was, the commander of the military contingent to another galaxy. And to Cam that felt right.

  
  


“You know” Sheppard said breaking the comfortable silence. “I'm not so, well, open, over these sort of things. Usually. Generally. At all” Sheppard shook his head at his own rambling “The point is, I'm taking a chance here” There was a hint of self-consciousness there, that almost broke Cam's resolution. He shook the thought off. He realized there are things easier to told a stranger; one you saved their life.

  
  


“Don't worry” Cam said, his drawl getting heavier “I won't be telling people you have feelings” Sheppard grinned at this.

  
  


“Thank you. I gotta be able to inflict terror on my subordinates” He said with a firm nod. “So, I still have -nineteen-ish ours to kill. Wanna grab lunch?”

  
  


“Sure. Maybe you can help suggesting people for my team” They stood up, promptly leaving the room and walking towards the cafeteria. Cam snapped his fingers, as if an idea just popped in his mind “Or better yet, you can forbid Dr. Jackson from going to Atlantis”

  
  


“I could, but Elizabeth likes him too much to make him sad” John shrugged. They kept walking, their talk turning more and more inane by the second. It was the most relaxed Cam had felt since he had stepped into the SGC.

  
  


He held that memory dear. It was the first time he had actually had a conversation with John. They had spent the rest of that day before John left trading stories and what people they might both know. The day felt short, and when they said goodbye, Cam felt he was actually going to miss this new friend. __ Friend _ _ _ .  _ If back then he knew how much he was lying to himself.

  
  


Lorne's voice brought him back to the present. They had visual. Cam let out a whistle, marveled by the city in front of him; it almost looked more dramatic contrasting the void than sitting on the ocean. They lowered the speed of the F-302, making the city grow bigger slowly. It was truly marvelous; he could get why John loved it so much. He wanted to ask Lorne if it was good to be back, but his co-pilot's face looked worried from his back view mirror.

  
  


“I think we are in range” Lorne said from the back, and Cam gave him the go ahead. “Atlantis, this is Major Evan Lorne. Do you read me?” His voice was low, strained. Cam felt his heart skip a beat.

  
  


“Something wrong?” Cam asked tentatively, his hands a bit tighter on the controls.

  
  


“Yeah, the shield. It has collapsed all the way to just cover the main tower” Lorne let out a small huff, barely noticeable. “Atlantis, this is Major Evan Lorne. Do you read me” The silence was ominous, but Lorne's face remained stern. He was ready to press the button again, when the radio came to life.

  
  


“Evan. It is goo to hear your voice”

  
  


“Teyla" Lorne let out a relieved sigh. "It's good to hear you too. The __Apollo__ is here, but communications are down, so we had to get closer on an F-302 to make contact. They are coming right behind us.”

  
  


“We were indeed concerned by some readings; our sensors are not working properly and we could not confirm the source”

  
  


“Don't worry fellas, the cavalry is here” Cam said flipping his comm. “We have Colonel Carter on board the __Apollo__ _,_ so whatever problem your city has, we can fix it. Or at least try.”

  
  


“Colonel Mitchell?” Teyla asked, and Cam was surprised she recognized his voice. “I'm glad you are with us in this” Her tone was fond, but there was something there. “We -We have a great deal to inform, it is best we wait for the __Apollo__ _”_

  
  


“Alright” Cam said, fully knowing that things were not.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carson and Elizabeth are guurlfrends in this fic. He often tries to mediate between Elizabeth and Rodney, his other gal pal.
> 
> On a sadder note, things are just going worse and worse for Cam. I mean, things are bad all around, but given that we started from him expecting to go on a leisure trip, well, yeah. He has to keep convincing that things are not just the worst.
> 
> Edit: Some clean up; I'm not giving up on making MacGyver references tho.
> 
> Feedback is appreciated!


	4. Hold Tigth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Apollo finds Atlantis, and soon they are back out there again to find Sheppard's team. Dread hangs in the air, and Cam's thoughts keep telling him that this is it.

The _Apollo_ gently came into view as Cam and Lorne circled Atlantis. Carefully, Cam led the 302 back to hangar bay. _Keep your head clear._ Cam repeated like a mantra as they made their way to the bridge through the corridors. He could not control the pounding of his own heart.

 

“Alright people, we need to return this ship to a functional state” Ellis said firmly into the comm as Cam and Lorne stepped into the bridge.

 

“We are rerouting power back and disengaging the energy dump conduit” Sam's voice came through the speakers. “It won't look pretty, but you'll have your systems up and running”

 

“Don't worry, you have the next few days to leave my ship as you found it” Ellis voice was just as grave as always, but there was humor behind it.

 

“That you'll have to ask General Landry” Sam's voice was gone, and Ellis nodded to the entering pilots.

 

“Sir, we have made contact with Atlantis” Lorne said, his voice stiff. “Apparently the have some bad news”

 

“How bad?” Ellis didn't look back at them while he asked, his face once again serious. He dropped in the command chair inelegantly.

 

“They were waiting for you to tell us” Cam said, his own face stern.

 

“Do we have communications yet?” Ellis called on his comm, his eyes intently set on Atlantis, floating in front of him.

 

“Should be working now” Dr. Lee's voice confirmed from the speaker, and Ellis signaled to the airman in the communications console to open a video channel to Atlantis. The transmit ion flickered, but Ellis let out an honest smile when he could see the transmission being received.

 

“This is the _Apollo_ ; you were not easy to find” The image came int focus, and Teyla's face appeared clear on the monitor; she looked tired but alert. She greeted the bridge of the _Apollo_ with a wide smile.

 

“Colonel Ellis, we are very glad you indeed found us” Her smile started to fade, and she took a breath. “Atlantis is not in good shape. The shield has retreated to cover the main tower to save the little power our ZPM has left, our energy levels are bellow the necessary minimum to achieve a successful hyperspace jump”

 

“I though we had enough power to reach the new destination” Lorne frowned, his face now contrite.

 

“We did; but the energy beam cut some vital power conduits, making us drop earlier from hyperspace” She looked to her side, as if confirming her information. “With the power conduits damaged, the stardrive powered down, and we started to loose power rapidly”

 

“How much power you have left?” Sam came to the bridge followed by Vala, both of them visibly worried. Teyla nodded to her side again, and Radek Zelenka came into view besides her.

 

“Sacrificing all non strictly essential systems, we have six hours left before the shield collapses completely” Zelenka looked much worse for wear. Ellis nodded, slowly taking in the information.

 

“Alright, The _Apollo_ is ready to evacuate you. We'll head out to the closest safe Stargate to connect to the Intergalactic Gate Bridge” Ellis said sternly, his gaze fixed on Teyla, his tone rather impatient. “No disrespect, Dr. Zelenka and Miss Emmagan, but I think I should speak with Dr. Weir and Sheppard” 

 

The silence coming from Atlantis felt like a bucket of cold water on Cam's shoulders. “Are they alright?” His said, strained, barely above a whisper. Zelenka opened his mouth and closed it, words not coming from him. Teyla returned to the center of the screen, gently pushing him aside.

 

“Last time we saw them they were alright” Her voice was meant to be calming, but Cam was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

“Where are they?” Ellis leaned in his chair, expectantly. Sam came to his side, her visage distorted under a deep frown.

 

“They have taken a hyperspace capable puddle jumper to the Asuran homeworld to steal a ZPM” Teyla said in one sentence, calm, as if what she had said wasn't the craziest thing Cam had ever heard, or at least on a while.

 

“Motherfucker” Cam said under his breath, but loud it could be heard on the whole bridge. Everyone chose to ignore it.

 

“Why was Dr. Weir even on that mission?” Ellis temper flared, his eyes wide and belligerent, his mouth ready to continue, but Teyla quickly raised her hand.

 

“We have had a very trying journey, Colonel Ellis. If you want explanations, I will give them to you. But we all have to remain composed” She said slowly, maintaining her eyes on his without blinking. He nodded, reluctantly, reclining on his seat as Sam let out a sigh, standing straighter behind him. Teyla continued. “Dr. Weir sustained grave injuries when the beam hit us” She looked at her side again. “Neurological damage” She let that sink in. “It was suggested... that if the nanites in her body were reactivated, they could repair the damage. And they did”

 

“You used nanites to repair her neurological system?” Sam said quickly, her eyes narrowing, her mouth tense, a hint of disbelief. Teyla was about to continue, but Dr. Beckett quickly came into view.

 

“There was no other way to save Elizabeth. The damage was too extensive. Even if she survived, she would have never been the same” He said, avoiding looking into the camera.

 

Sam looked down, and started talking almost to herself “Commanding the nanites to repair such damage would have been too complex. It would have taken weeks, months to program them” She lifted her head with one jerk, her eyes demanding an answer.

 

“Yes. Yes. We replaced her damaged brain cells with replicated nanites” Beckett let out a sigh, finally daring to catch Sam's stare.

 

“The nanites are now an active part of her brain. New architecture in place of the damaged sections” Sam's voice was equal parts fascination and disgust. She pinched the bridge of her nose, biting her lip. “You have crossed a line” She said shaking her head, her eyes firmly and accusatory on Dr. Beckett.

 

“I take full responsibility” Carson said with a nod, and Teyla quickly turned to him, her face questioning, but he payed her no mind. “I'll be happy to hand in my resignation once this all ends”

 

“That's not my call to make” Sam said turning away from the screen, hands on her hips. Vala looked for her face, but Sam continued to shake her head, closed off. She suddenly stopped. “So that's the reason she's with Sheppard. She is going to link with the Asuran Collective” All eyes turned to her; her face was now pale rage, her eyes wide. “Where the hell is McKay?”

 

“She went with them. Also Ronon” Dr. Becket supplied sheepishly.

 

“Of course” Sam spat, shaking her head once more, now even Ellis looking at her with something much like fear.

 

“They are only doing what is necessary to save Atlantis, Colonel Carter.” Teyla said without a shadow if a doubt, standing next to Dr. Beckett. Sam let out a deep sigh.

 

“Colonel Ellis. They will need our help” Her expression had not changed, still almost pained, but her voice was firm. He nodded, agreeing.

 

“Atlantis, we'll head out to the Asuran home planet. If we don't return before the shield collapses, follow your evacuation protocols but wait for us to return for a couple of hours. If we do not return by then”

 

“We'll attempt a jump to the nearest inhabitable planet. It's our only choice despite the risks” Teyla nodded firmly and cut the communication. There was not much else to say.

 

“Set course to Asuras” Ellis' voice boomed heavily in the bridge, and the _Apollo_ jumped to hyperspace.

 

*****

 

Cam didn't get far before Sam and Vala caught to him. He wasn't trying to get away from them, he just needed space, less people around. He needed to breathe. He's skin was crawling, his chest tight, his mind playing without stopping one single thought.  _This is it. This is how you loose him_ . Sam and Vala stood behind him, a couple of feet away. He grabbed the railing, looking through the window the flashing lights of hyperspace.

 

“I keep thinking this is it” He said, his voice naked, barely above a whisper.

 

“We have all been through worse. They'll pull it off” Sam said, seemingly believing her own words. She looked impatient, her anger still visible, but mostly subsided. “It's what we do in this job, the impossible”

 

“But one day Sam, one day we won't make it” _He won't_ , was left unsaid, hanging from his lips.

 

“You have to trust them” Vala said, her words more unsure, but for a different reason perhaps. “You believe in them, do you?” And Cam wasn't sure in which way she meant _them._

 

“I do” he replied tersely, hands deep in his pockets. “But I can't shake the feeling” Was it because it was John; was that the reason of the gnawing dread clawing at his lungs? _I'm wrong, I have to be wrong._ He looked at them, his eyes pleading but his mouth a thin line. Vala broke the distance and wrapped her arms around him. He didn't hug back, his hands still on his pockets. Slowly, he closed his eyes, letting his head rest on the top of hers.

 

“It's John” He said, the name coming from his lips like a burning whisper.

 

“Okay” Vala words were soft, her arms hugging him tighter. “Okay” She said no more, still holding into the hug. She let go when Cam patted her in the back.

 

“Thanks” His voice was calm, his face impassive. He stepped back until he could see both of them. Sam smiled sympathetically, and he wondered how many times she had been in the same spot. She probably dealt with it better. “Thanks” he repeated, now to both of them.

 

“We are here Cam” Sam stepped closer, but not touching him.

 

“I know” He said nodding. “I know” he repeated, now a gentle smile in his face.

 

The alarms blared. They were dropping out of hyperspace.

 

“Showtime” Cam brow burrowed, as Asuras appeared in front of them.

 

*****

 

The blast was felt immediately, the  _Apollo's_ shields holding nonetheless. They had caught the Asuran cruiser by surprise, but they were quickly turning around. The monitor showed the jumper quickly making its way put of the planet, taking heavy damage from the cruiser.

 

“We can't get a hold of the jumper” Sam shouted from the console next to Ellis. “They must have sustained damage to communications”

 

“The cruiser's weapon systems are still targeting them” The _Apollo's_ pilot, Captain Pat Meyers, announced evenly.

 

“We need to get their shields down fast and destroy their batteries.” Ellis hurried over to Meyers, checking the weapon deployment.

 

“Sir, we won't have a clear shot in this position” She said shaking her head, and Ellis looked up. The Asuran cruiser slowly turned to its side, keeping its main weapon's batteries on the Apollo, but still firing energy blasts on the escaping jumper.

 

“Make sure the shield is down” Cam's voice came through the speaker. “We'll take care of them”

 

Lorne turned on the 302's systems quickly, and they strapped in. The hangar doors opened, and their craft quickly departed. The Asuran cruiser was right in front of them. Cam dropped fast as the weapons locked on them, and he commenced evasive actions. He quickly shifted right of the ship, the energy bolts almost reaching them. He continued to swirl in front of the cruiser, his heart pounding.

 

“Any time now” He shouted into the comm.

 

“Just hang on. Be ready” Ellis' voice came evenly through the comm.

 

“Easier said than done” Mitchell's response was heard on the bridge of the _Apollo_. Ellis turned on his heels facing Meyers.

 

“Forward weapons at full power. Shoot starboard with everything we've got” The fire volley quickly overpowered the shield, leaving the emitter exposed.

 

“Hold fire! The blast radius will caught the jumper and our 302” Sam pointed at the underside of the cruiser on the display, their main batteries too close to the center of the ship. “Avoid their weapons, we need to target non critical points until they are out of range”

 

“Volley over their communications tower at once. We can take a couple more direct hits” While Ellis gave his orders, Sam quickly patched to the F-302.

 

“Enemy shields are down, you have a go Cam”

 

“Roger that” Cam quickly shifted the craft back to the cruiser, approaching port still baiting the batteries fire away from the jumper. “Lorne, are you ready?”

 

“Yes sir” The 302 spun avoiding enemy fire as the _Apollo's_ the forward weapons rained over the tower. Cam fell head first towards the cruiser, and Lorne took his shot. He took the weapon batteries with three precise shots. Cam lifted away, the underside of the 302 almost kissing the Asuran cruiser.

 

“That was beautiful. I think I got misty eyed” Cam drawled thickly, his grin wide. Lorne chuckled.

 

“Good job Mitchell. Escort the jumper clear of the cruiser. This won't take long”

 

“Roger that _Apollo,_ getting out of the way” Cam signaled visually for the jumper to follow. He couldn't see inside, and communications were still down. “You think they can hear us?” He asked Lorne, who shook his head.

 

“Negative. The jumper's communications are completely dark. And there's too much interference to get them by radio. The view port seems to have suffered some blast damage, but the internal monitors allow visibility.” The jumper did follow quickly behind them, so Cam sped up to get back as fast as possible.

 

Colonel Ellis shook in his seat as the energy from the cruiser started to seep in. “Alright, the jumper is safe and out of the way. Let's light this one”

 

With the jumper at a safe distance, the Apollo unloaded the might of its weapons on the enemmy batteries. The hull of the cruiser was hit directly, damage bursting from the ship side to side. “Steer us away, Captain Meyers” The Apollo elegantly moved away from the cruiser as it exploded, the shields holding the explosive blast off.

 

“Forward shields at thirty-five percent” Meyers informed quickly as her fingers expertly hovered over the console. She made a grimace. “Sir, we have four ships entering the system”

 

“What?” Ellis pulled the data to the main monitor. “Aurora-Class. We have to go, _now_ ” Sam nodded and patched her comm to Cam's craft.

 

“Mitchell, we have to leave now. We have four Asuran Battlecruisers entering the system”

 

“Of course they didn't kept all their eggs in the same basket” Cam sighed. The hangar bay's door were just in front of them, opening slowly. “barn on sight”

 

“Lowering hangar shields” The shield fell down, and the 302 landed firmly. Cam opened the cockpit at once, hastily undoing his straps. He jumped down the craft just as the jumper entered the hangar bay. He run towards it; the view port was blackened by blast damage, but seemingly intact. It was impressive that Sheppard could still pilot the ship without actually seeing. He kept running until he reached the back, the ship lowering smoothly into the hangar floor, and he stopped by the cargo bay door.

 

“Jumper is on the bay” Cam spoke into his comm. “Ready to-” The cargo bay door opened suddenly, and Rodney McKay staggered outside, covered in blood; his head still bleeding profusely, his eyes unfocused.

 

“Elizabeth and Sheppard” He tried to step outside the jumper but his legs gave out, his knees bending so he held tightly to the wall. “They're still on Asuras” McKay's hands slipped on his own blood, and he fell to the floor with a thud.

 

*****

 

“Sheppard and Dr. Weir are still in there” Sam repeated in the bridge, her face draining. “Get a lock on their subcutaneous transmitters _now_ ” Meyers quickly obeyed her order, and Ellis just spared her a quick glance.

 

“I'm not reading Dr. Weir's” Meyers said apologetically. “I have Sheppard”

 

Cam listened through the communicator, his heart pounding. He held McKay on his lap, peering inside the jumper. Ronon stirred on his seat, his arms wrapped around a case.  _They did it._

 

“Do -do you have 'em” Mckay slurred in his arms, his eyes fluttering close. The moment he had picked him from the floor he had called medical but they still hadn't arrived. The comm still was silent. Cam felt his heart trying to escape from his mouth.

 

“We- We lost him. I can't get a lock on either of them” Meyer's voice started to fade the moment he heard it. All he could hear now was the silence. _This is it, this is how you loose him. This is when you lost him._ Cam held on tighter to McKay, the blood seeping into his own clothes. _Was it McKay's or was it John's?_

 

“Colonel Mitchell, we can take it from here” he heard the voice almost next to him. He snapped back, looking at the source, her eyes were dark and warm. He nodded and stepped aside and helped the team putting McKay in the gurney. One of the medics went over to Ronon, who simply pushed him away and stood up without much problem.

 

“Sam?” Cam called into his comm. His back now pressed against the jumpers exit. He still had McKay's blood all over his hands, and the smell of copper was making him sick. Something was making him sick.

 

“I'm sorry Cam. The transmitters are just gone” Her voice was apologetic on his ear. The hangar speakers came to life, and Ellis' voice was then heard everywhere.

 

“We have company; ready yourselves for immediate hyperspace jump.” They felt a hit against the shield, then another. The ship staggered, then immediately jumped into hyperspace.

 

Cam still leaned against the door, he could feel Ronon's eyes on him, dark and foreboding. Cam gasped, and his face quickly distorted in fury. He pushed himself, standing in the middle of the jumper's exit, his eyes red hot fixed on the wall in front of him. He punched it once, twice, and a third time, slowly, until his knuckles started to bleed. His eyes wide, his mouth a painful thin line that emitted no sound. Then he kept punching the wall until he could feel no pain anymore. Ronon stood in the cockpit, watching in silence.

 

*****

 

Sam hurried down the corridor. She wanted to find Cam, but she knew she had to be somewhere else. She turned on the corner, barely slowing down, and the medical bay came into view. McKay was on a bed, the white sheets stained with blood. He had a ugly cut in his arm, and his forehead was bandaged. His face was pale, and Sam worried they might end up loosing him too.

 

But they had done it, they had got the ZPM.

 

“Doctor” Sam moved briskly towards the doctor, who gave her a curt nod.

 

“Colonel.” The doctor discarded her gloves and threw them into the waste-bin. “I hope you are not attempting to disturb my patient” She stood in front of the bed, between Sam and Mckay.

 

“Is, is he alright?” The doctor's face softened and she circled the bed, standing besides McKay, checking is IV drip.

 

“He is relatively fine. He lost quite the amount of blood from the cut on his forearm, there's damage on an artery, but he seems to have applied pressure.”

 

“He's very squeamish. Must have been hard” Sam smiled nervously, not sure if she should come closer or not. “How's his head, does he have a concussion?”

 

“The cut on his forehead is worst than it looks. It was a bleeder, but it doesn't seem to have caused damage to his head. He passed out from exhaustion and blood loss. He needs to rest” The doctor said firmly but with a small smile.

 

“We should be in Atlantis in little over an hour” Sam said apologetically. “The city is still not out of the woods” The doctor sighed, and grabbed the chart.

 

“I'll give him more fluids, but I don't advice a blood transfusion. I'll give him something mild for the pain, nothing that would addle his mind”

 

“Thank you Dr-?” Sam smiled, realizing she didn't know her name.

 

“Dr. Farnsworth. Major” She said, fixing her dark eyes on Sam, extending her hand to her. She took it and nodded. Sam's comm came to life, and Sam quickly excused herself to grab it.

 

“Samantha” Vala said from the other end.

 

*****

 

Ronon walked slowly, Mitchell finally motionless. He stopped just besides him, quietly, keeping his distance. Major Lorne looked at them from besides the 302, his face unreadable from that distance. Ronon returned his attention to Cam. He was breathing slowly though his teeth. The blood dripped sluggishly from his knuckles, splattering on the floor beneath. Ronon did not know this man. He had only seen him once before, when he visited Atlantis with his team. All he knew he was was Sheppard's friend; he also knew they worked together when they were kicked out of Atlantis. For Ronon to know this, it meant Sheppard actually talked about him. And Sheppard barely talked about anyone. That suited Ronon, but it also meant that this Cameron Mitchell was important. And now, he could see Sheppard was important to him.

 

“He couldn't leave Dr. Weir behind” Ronon said, and her name sounded bitter on his tongue, although it did not surprise him. “She ordered us to leave without her. He didn't listen. I wish I would have stayed as well” Cam faced him, with dark eyes.

 

“That sounds like him” He lowered his eyes, is voice sounding like thick gravel. “Yep”

 

“You should go to the infirmary” Ronon said tersely, pointing at Cam's knuckles.

 

“Yeah” Cam agreed, but made no attempt to move. Ronon looked back to Lorne, who was now closer, visible. He gave him a nod, which Lorne responded in kind. Cam remained there.

 

Ronon walked closer, and clasped Cam's shoulder. The muscle there was tense, hard. Ronon wondered if he would snap any time now. But Cam relaxed, albeit slightly, under the weight of his hand. Ronon wished for Teyla to be there, she'd knew what to say, how to comfort Sheppard's friend. To tell him that his sacrifice had meaning; that Dr. Weir saved them all. Ronon's grip tightened, and Cam looked at him.

 

“I'm sorry” Cam shook his head. “They were your friends” He sounded ashamed. Quickly, he straightened up, and grabbed Ronon's forearm with his hand. The blood had trickled down to his palm, but Ronon didn't seem to mind the cold blood now smearing his forearm.

 

Ronon looked lost as words for a moment, then gave Cam a curt nod. “I have to go see McKay, and you have to get your hand bandaged” He repeated.

 

“I'm not in a hurry” Cam let go of Ronon's forearm, and he let go of his shoulder. Ronon nodded again, before walking away.

 

Cam stood by the puddle jumper. He could still feel Lorne's eyes on him. For a moment he wanted to yell at him and tell him to get the fuck out; maybe punch him until his other fist was a red bleeding mess too. Instead, he forced himself to breath deeply.

 

“It's alright Major” Cam waved to his direction without looking. “Go get some rest, you did a good job out there” Lorne seemed like he wanted to protest, but eventually just nodded.

 

“Thanks, Colonel Mitchell” Lorne said formally, saying goodbye.

 

Cam heard the steps until they were gone. There was silence. He looked up, finding the small view port on the upper railing of the hangar. The colors of hyperspace swirled in front of him. Each swirl light years of distance between him and John. He looked back to the puddle jumper. The main navigation console still smoking, McKay's blood smeared on the controls, data crystals strewn in the cockpit floor as If they had exploded from the console. Cam entered, his arms awkwardly hanging to his sides, not touching anything. He crossed the bulkhead, it was darker now. The cockpit half lit by the artificial lights of the jumper still on, the view port almost entirely blackened by blast damage. He glanced down, to the seat behind the copilot. There was a small pen peeking out of the fold; he reached for it, feeling the familiar weight on his hand. The light was dim, but he could remember the red color of it. He pocketed it before turning to the other side; the pilot's seat. He stopped, his hands balling into fists. The pain cleared his head; he preferred that pain. He stepped in, slowly lowering himself on the pilot's seat, not minding McKay's drying blood on the side. His back finally touched the seat, and he let himself get comfortable. He wriggled slightly, trying to find that sweet spot. There it was, just like John had said.

 

He reached down with his left hand, feeling the space between the seat an the floor. At first he found nothing, but then his fingers reached something loose. A breath got caught on his throat, realization hitting him like a pick-up truck. He struggled against it, but he managed to get the small box out. The tin was old, the drawing of the girl in pigtails and the blue dress faded. The words at her side less clear, but legibly still.

 

_There's no place like home._

 

He fought the urge to break down right there. He moved slowly, putting the small box on his lap tenderly.

 

“So do you keep it on your quarters?” Cam had asked one day during that fifth week John was on Earth. John had taken to fight the Ori like a duck to water, despite Landry constantly having to remind him to not engage their forces. He was fearless, which always made the rest of his team fall a step behind. Cam did have problems with Sheppard's leadership choices, but he could also agree that SG-4 seemed to have a couple of duds. Not everyone was meant for off-world duty, and certainly few could keep with John Sheppard.

 

“Were else would I keep it?” John had said frowning in fake obfuscation. He returned to his binoculars, the stargate far away in the valley, still clear.

 

“You do have an apartment. I think” Cam had said from his side. He looked up, it was getting dark. He let out a sigh. “And I don't think that prior is showing up”

 

“If he doesn't show up is a good thing” Sheppard had said with a grin. “Lieutenant Colonel Carter does her thing with the device, SG-1 and SG-4 pack up, and we will be on home for supper” He had shifted on his spot, his legs seemingly a bit cramped up. Sheppard had harped on Cam to lie on his chest, and he had been glad he had listened. “And I do have an apartment. It's a waste of money since I'm never there, but I'm not paying for it”

 

“The taxpayers would love that, I'm sure” Cam had wondered how long Carter was going to take on her sneaky science investigation. He didn't like it when they were all apart, but Daniel and Vala were with her, Teal'c hidden in the tower above the village keeping an eye. If Sheppard didn't kept harping on how bad his team was, he would have feel more confident. “Do you really think it's a good idea to keep your weed on the base?”

 

“I didn't said it was a good idea” Sheppard had frowned without looking at him. He paused for a moment, then had added. “Besides, I run out of it like a week ago. Sorry”

 

“Then why was your weed box in your bed?” Cam had asked without thinking. Sheppard gave him a murderous look in return, as if saying _why were you going through my bed_. “I wasn't rifling through your bed...” Cam had looked away, his face suddenly hot, his mind betraying him and conjuring the smell of Sheppard's sheets. “I just sat in your bed waiting for you. Not my fault you were running late”

 

“The cafeteria line is always so damn full” Sheppard had checked through his binoculars again. Nothing. “Well this is just getting boring. You were right.” He had dropped to his chest next to Cam, the heat of his body contrasting with the chilling afternoon. “And it's not my weed box. I do not have a weed box”

 

“That box had weed. It's a weed box”

 

“Not just weed. A box can have many uses.” Sheppard had stared back at him, his expression contrarian, That had made Cam smile. Sheppard had responded in kind, then turned back to the gate. “That's my important stuff box”

 

“And weed is important stuff” Cam had said with a bit of bite, not a question but neither a statement. Sheppard had looked at him, his eyes squinted, his mouth tight. Cam had just grinned again.

 

“Hey Cam. Wrapping up down here” The radio had said very low. Cam had pressed the button and replied.

 

“Roger that Sam. Coast is clear. No activity on the gate”

 

“We'll be out in fifteen. Carter out” She had sounded just as bored as he felt. Cam had lowered the radio, sparing one glance to the gate and then back to Sheppard. He had grabbed the binoculars, and once again, nothing.

 

“So what's with you and my we -my important stuff box. You kept looking at it the other day” Sheppard had asked, his eyes firmly on Cam's, demanding an answer. Cam had chuckled, shaking his head.

 

“Nothing” Well that was a lie. “My grandma used to have one just like that. She did not keep weed on it though. I think. Mostly pictures of grandpa and her. Of mom when she was little, of me and my sisters. Lots of pictures of the people she loved.” Cam has said wishfully, drifting on the memory.

 

“Not many pictures in my box” Sheppard had said, finally looking away. Cam could hear a bit of sadness on his voice. “But pictures are not the only way of remembering people” Sheppard had said, his voice more content.

 

“That's good. Gotta keep the people you care about close to your heart” Cam had agreed, nodding. He glanced back to John, and it might have been a trick of light, but he thought he could see red on his face. He had turned back to look at the gate. “So in Atlantis, you kept it on your quarters too?” John had never been too talky about his time on Atlantis, but he always seemed to get in a better mood after.

 

“Yeah. Sometimes” Cam had raised an eyebrow, and although Sheppard hadn't looked at him, he clarified. “We all have a favorite jumper out there; mine's one. And yeah I gave them the numbers. She's fast and a good listener. Of course people look at me weird when I say jumpers have personalities, but they all have their favorites”

 

“So, like a car?” Cam had asked doubtfully, and Sheppard quickly had turned him with a face that would have looked better on McKay.

 

“Not like a car. Ancient technology has personality; everything as a unique voice in Atlantis.” John had smiled, his eyes lost far away. “I definitely like their technology better than the Ancients”

 

“Many do”

 

“Yeah. -Carson could feel it too. He mostly got scared of it. Now, McKay, I don't know if it is because he got the gene therapy or just because it's McKay, but he never seemed to get it. Maybe the technology doesn't really like him because he keeps taking it apart”

 

Cam had grinned at this. At first he hadn't understood why Sheppard keep talking about McKay when pretty much everything he said about him had been negative. By week two Cam had realized it was the same way he talked bout his sisters when they were young. Now, Sheppard did had a brother of his own, but of him, he never did talk about.

 

“So you keep your box in the jumper?” Cam had asked, curiously wondering why not keep it safe on his quarters.

 

“Yup. Under the pilot's seat. Left side. Gotta wiggle it to take it out”

 

“You are not worried someone might go through your things? Cam had asked. He had checked his watch, Sam should be coming back at any moment now.

 

“Nah. A lot of us kept things in the jumpers. Let's say I didn't enforce regulations very much” Sheppard had tilted his head, his face a wondering grimace. “Besides, nothing in there to feel ashamed. And if I'm gonna bite, I'd rather have those memories close to me.” Cam had nodded, finally understanding. He felt the dogtags weight in his chest, Banks' more than his own. For a moment he had thought about asking who was in his box, but he thought better of it. Soon SG-1 and SG-4 ha appeared in their view. It was time to leave.

 

Cam run his blood covered fingers over the lid. He leaned right, allowing the flickering light above to hit him. He touched the edge of the lid, a part of his mind telling him to not to do it, that it wasn't right. But he needed to. He needed to be close to John that moment. He allowed that moment of selfishness, there would be enough time for regrets later.

 

He carefully snapped the lid open, the hinge creaking softly as it opened. The inside of the lid was pristine. He smiled when he noticed that the box did not smell like weed at all. The box was barely half full, and John had been right, there were not many pictures in there. They were beneath the small kick-knacks, whose importance Cam could not gleam. John's secrets, secrets that no one would know. He let out a small sigh in lieu of the sob he kept stubbornly repressing. Small rocks, seashells, a tribal necklace, a match box, a small toy car, a key, a child's drawing of a plane, a spoon, a small canadian flag pin and more. He smiled then. Those were lots of things, important things. He run his fingers through the bottom, grabbing the pictures. John leaning against the wall with two other guys wearing ridiculous shorts on the desert, an old family picture of a couple and their two children, a dark haired woman standing near a window, her face serene and unaware. The following pictures were newer, On the first one, he and Elizabeth Weir stood awkwardly next to each other on Atlantis, he donning his fatigues and she a dark pantsuit. They both look tired but content. In the next one, Teyla, McKay and Dr. Beckett joined them. A photo of Ronon, his face sour, apparently not a fan of photography. The next one was one of Dr. Weir, Beckett and McKay on a restaurant, their faces smiling and their cheeks flushed, cheering to the camera. There was one photo left, and Cam wished he didn't know it.

 

It was of them; John and him, propped against a wall. They were caked in mud from head to toe, John's hair extra ruffled with sweat and dirt. Cam was leaning against his shoulder, a shit eating grin on his face, his hands lazily between his legs, knuckles touching the floor. John had one knee up, his head resting on it, but his smile was wide. It was the first time they had gone to the field together, SG-1 having to go bail SG-4 after things had gotten dicey with the Lucien Alliance on a backwater planet. Cam had been so smug about saving his ass, constantly repeating John's words back to him. _It will be a piece of cake, what could go wrong?._ At first John had given him an unfriendly stare on return, but he couldn't hold off to Cam's ribbing. He started laughing as well, dropping next to Cam on the floor on the corridor to the infirmary. Lam had shooed them outside because they were just in the way, and now they couldn't stop laughing. They heard the flash, only to see Sam staring at them, camera in her hand, with a grin of her own.

 

The quality of the picture was good though, as if it printed to last. Sam had sent Cam the photo, and he had shared it with John because -well, whatever he had said back then it was a lie; he just wanted John to have something to remember him by-. John had smiled, teasing him, asking if he wanted a place on the box. Cam had just laughed it off, secretly thinking if he was that obvious. John had smiled and given him a pat on the shoulder. Cam had almost forgotten about it till now, specially when John's lips had already promised that his feelings were not only of his own.

 

He touched his lips, but only tasted his own drying blood mixed with McKay's. He stared at the picture one last time, John's smile almost hidden by his knee. That smile had been for him, and Cam wanted so bad to make him smile again. He felt his eyes sting, realization knocking down at the doors of his mind, but he couldn't let it in, he didn't want to accept that John was gone. He closed the lid neatly, holding the box on his lap. That was all he had left of John now, a box of pictures and knick knacks whose meaning he didn't know. He held it tightly, until finally putting it on his jacket. He looked behind, making sure no one had seen that. He didn't want to explain why he was taking John's box. Perhaps he would never tell anyone about it. Perhaps he wouldn't tell anyone now about John.

 

He looked up to the blackened view port, steeling himself, swallowing hard. He would swallow this pain, because if he let it out it would break him as if he were spun glass. He stood up, holding the box through his pocket, out of sight, to be hidden away, as his love for John Sheppard would remain.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe this is the fic about Cam always almost catching up with John.
> 
> And Sam wants to yell to McKay so hard, but I don't think she'll get that chance.
> 
> Chapter 5 almost done! We are so close of the end of this!! I'm thinking that Sheppard's stay on Earth during the Return will be its own story, but I dunno If it'll need a framing device for the timeline of this.


	5. We Still Have a City to Save

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forced to leave Sheppard and Dr. Weir behind, the Apollo as a mission to finish to make their sacrifice worthy. Cam has to decide if to give into despair or to a hope that doesn't exist. And Teyla, Ronon and McKay struggle to come to terms about loosing two people that were family.

Cam walked slowly out of the jumper, his gaze low and unfocused. He did not see Vala standing in front of the cargo door until he was already in front her. He looked up, his face hard carved stone, lifeless. Vala just stared back at him, her brow contrite and her lips thin, hands awkwardly held together in front of her. She attempted to move closer, but backtracked immediately, caught in a half movement. Cam's stare, although meeting hers, still seemed to be a thousand miles away. She finally noticed his right hand, hanging to his side, the fingers like a claw covered in blood.

 

“Oh Cam” She let out, sadness drowning her voice. She gave one doubtful step forward, still out of reach, still unsure of what to do. Cam attempted to walk past her, but she grabbed his arm. He didn't fought her or tried to keep walking. Just stopped moving, her eyes still lost in front of him. “Let's go to the infirmary to get a look of your hand, shall we?” She tried to smile, but her voice was too low, her eyes too bright and damp.

 

“Alright” And his voice didn't sound like his own _._ Even with his noticeable drawl it sounded hollow. Mechanical. She hesitatingly pulled at his arm, but he moved easily. She stood by his side, circling his right arm with hers, and started walking with him towards the infirmary. He didn't say anything the whole way there.

 

Sam was on the infirmary door, she looked tired, leaning on the door frame. She saw Cam and Vala walking down the corridor. She stood straighter, her demeanor agitated. Cam spared her a careless glance as they passed, and entered the infirmary. Sam let out a sigh and followed them in.

 

*****

 

Ronon sat on a too small chair next to McKay's bed on the other side of the bay. Ronon sat stiffly, his eyes fixed on his friend paying no mind to the trio entering. Cam's eyes soon caught sight of Ronon and McKay, the semblance of an expression forming on his face.

 

“I'll get the doctor” Sam said with an unhappy smile, her attentive stare leaving Cam's mangled hand. He lifted it up and looked at it closer, as if inspecting it. Vala held his bicep more tightly, worry on her eyes.

 

“It'll heal” She sounded utterly unconvinced, and Cam noticed. He wasn't sure what she had meant though. They stood there in silence, Vala inspecting Ronon from time to time, until Sam returned with Dr. Farnsworth.

 

She gave one look at Cam's hand and shook her head, but remained silent. She ushered Vala to step aside while she pointed to the empty bed for Cam to sit in. He obliged without a peep, all while Sam and Vala shared concerned looks. The silence was unnerving. Dr. Farnsworth returned with a sterile tray and set off to work cleaning the blood from Cam's hand, without looking at him.

 

“I'm gonna clean the wounds, this might hurt a bit. Okay?” She looked up, and the same warmth she had shown him before on the jumper reappeared. He looked at her, eyes now tired, and just nodded. She kept working industriously, with care and in silence. Sam and Vala stood side by side by the feet of the bed, both their stares on their friend. “This might hurt more than a bit.”

 

Farnsworth checked the knuckles for a break, her eyes now mindful of Cam's reactions. He winced once or twice, but remained silent. “Open you hand” She said gently. “Now make a fist. You have to tell me if you feel too much pain” He let out a chuckle. It was not a happy one. She gave him an understanding stare in return.

 

“Does he have any breaks” Sam asked, unable to resist the silence any longer.

 

“No. We could take a scan, but I know my bones” Farnsworth reached for the antiseptic cream and sterile bandage. She kept working diligently. “All you can do is let it heal” She looked up and smiled, understanding. She finished up and gave Cam a pat on the knee. “Alright Colonel Mitchell. You are all set”

 

“Thanks Doctor” He said slowly, but sounding more like himself. The ghost of a grateful smile crossing his lips. She nodded, but didn't stood up from her chair in front of him.

 

“As your Doctor” She mimicked an stern look that was more playful than aggressive. “I wouldn't want you to keep hurting yourself.”

 

“Sorry. Just, had to blow some steam off. Didn't mean to waste your time.” He shook his head slightly, not meeting her eyes. He attempted to jump off the bed, but her hand remained on his knee.

 

“But as a fellow soldier” Her voice dropped, heavier, but it was not unkind. “I get it. I get the need to punch something until you just don't know what hurts. If you need to keep punching things, try a boxing bag. But I recommend better talking to someone. We have professionals on board, but I get that might not be your thing. But try to talk to someone --Please” She said sweetly, honestly concerned. She held his gaze until he nodded on return. “Crying also works for me, but that's also not everyone's thing.” That made him chuckle.

 

“Yeah, not that much of a crier. More of a puncher. As you can see.”

 

She stood up and removed her gloves and nodded at him, a smile on her lips. With one last clasp of the shoulder that was reassurance, she turned around and left, nodding at Vala and Sam in her way out. The two other members of SG-1 stood in front of Cam silently for a moment. While Sam held herself more together, Vala couldn't seem to find her footing.

 

“Cam, if you need anything” Sam's eyes looked for his, but could not find them. He stepped down the bed, making a small grimace as he pushed himself up with his right hand.

 

“Not now Sam” He answered once he was in the floor, still not looking at his friends. Sam's face frowned in worry, Vala staring helpless between the two of them. Cam looked at them finally, the pain he felt hard to hide for a moment, enough for them to see. He quickly flashed to a smile, a sad but honest one. These two people would die for him, with him, he knew. “After. After Atlantis is safe.” _That's why he died, why they died._ He couldn't break down now.

 

Sam nodded, smiling tightly and reaching for his shoulder. Vala stepped closer and hugged him, her hand comforting on the nape of his neck. She was not good with words when it came to feelings, that Cam could well understand personally, but her physical reassurance was enough. He gave her a tap on the back and she retreated, nodding with a small smile.

 

“We are gonna head out to the bridge” Sam pointed at the door; it was an invitation. Cam shook his head, then looked behind him, to Ronon and McKay.

 

“I think I'll stay a while more” And although his voice was soft, it reflected nothing about what he truly intended to do.

 

*****

 

Ronon looked up the moment he felt the steps moving towards him. He had felt two lighter sets of steps leaving a moment before. These steps were heavy, careless. Ronon looked up, arching his eyebrow, his eyes a clear warning, as they usually were. Cameron Mitchel stared back, his light eyes almost glassy on the lightning of the medical bay. Ronon knew well what grieve could do to people; he should not be interested in the nature of Cam's grief; _grief is personal, your own and no one else._ Ronon's own unnamed grief flashed through him, but he pushed it down quickly, with practiced skill. Mitchell took the chair by the bedside table, and placed it opposite to Ronon by McKay's bed. He sat down slowly, holding his knees as he did so.

 

“These chairs, not so comfortable” Mitchell said wiggling a little on the small metal chair. Ronon gave him a quick agreeing nod, but remained silent. His eyes still expecting and even wary. Mitchell looked at McKay, who's color was slightly improving, though he still looked clammy and a bit pale. Mitchell's expression was unreadable under his eyebrows, and Ronon did not like it.

 

“It was not his fault” Ronon said tersely, leaning back on the chair, his arms crossed. His gaze was almost daring Mitchell to disagree. Perhaps truly so. Ronon let out a sigh, forcing himself to relax a bit, _push the grief down._

 

Mitchell looked at him, surprise in his eyes for a second, followed by a humorless smile as he shook his head. He sat back on his own chair, mirroring Ronon's posture and expression, the only difference a sad smile on his lips.

 

“Sheppard always talked about his _team_ back on Earth. You, Mckay and Teyla” Mitchell shook his head, a real hint of humor in his voice. “Of course, he spent most of the time bitching about McKay.” Ronon nodded rising his eyebrows casually. _That sounds about right._ Mitchell continued. “He really cared bout you all. A lot.”

 

“Cares.” Ronon said, maybe showing too much teeth. _He's not dead. They are not dead._ Mitchell remained motionless for a moment, his eyes on Ronon, finally letting a sigh out. He slouched on his chair, hands now holding his head, as if preventing it to fall off.

 

“You really think so?” Mitchell's voice was gravel, almost uncomfortable to listen. But his tone, it was almost a plea. “Or it's just what you want to believe?” Ronon opened his mouth, but for a moment he doubted if Mitchell was talking to himself. But he looked up at Ronon, his eyes now demanding an answer, dangerous. Ronon gulped, maybe from doubt, maybe from something that other people could read as fear, although that couldn't be it. He gave the question the time it deserved, pondering.

 

“Yes” Ronon finally said with a confident nod. But Mitchell wanted more than just that. His eyes _needing_ more than that. “There's too much about Atlantis the replicators can learn from them. They have value. I don't think machines have a need for entertainment, but that's also a possibility of being captured.” Ronon looked up, meeting Mitchell's eyes. He got a knowing nod in return. “Weir and Sheppard are the two people that know most about Atlantis safety and protocols. It'll make it harder for us to prevent further retaliation, but it makes their survival more likely” Ronon's face was hard, not much happiness there.

 

“They'll keep them alive.” Mitchell looked down, seemingly fully aware of what Ronon thought. “It gives us a chance.”

 

“They are tough, both of them. They'll hold on enough for us to get them” Ronon said without a shadow of a doubt, because he knew them, that was a certainty for him. Doubt crept tentatively on the edges of his mind. _But you also said you were going to find her._ He squashed the invasive thought like a bug, his face showing nothing of the moment of second-guessing himself.

 

Mitchell stared at him, as if pondering. He finally gave him a nod, seemingly satisfied by the answer, but his demeanor not happier or more relaxed. Ronon recalled Sheppard's words about Mitchell; there was little of that breezy, devil-may-care confidence that he described. The man in front of him was pensive, brooding and dark. It was almost as if Ronon could see the weight on his shoulders. Ronon himself had been so much different on Sateda, when life was taken almost for granted even when they knew of the horrors out there. But he had lost his world. Mitchell had only lost a friend.

 

Or perhaps he had lost his world too.

 

Ronon wished to push that line of thought aside. It was not his place to know Mitchell's pain. Prying on his grief might lead to pry on Sheppard's secrets. Secrets that were so for a reason.Mitchell sat straighter, stillness on his face, or was it resignation? Ronon could have not felt that after Melena's passing. There was only pain there, there was only cursing the ancestors for allowing a good and kind woman to suffer such a fate. _Don't pry on his grief._ But Ronon felt rather drawn to it, because it was all that he could think that would take him away from his own grief and the need for McKay to wake up and Teyla to hold his shoulder. Mitchell's grief was at least far enough to not rip Ronon's insides, those insides that were just stitches at this point.

 

He knew Mitchell's grief; he had seen it before, back on Sateda. Soldiers that held each other in whispers, in hiding; knowing that each day could be the last for either of them, no comfort of the other being safe back at home. Ronon knew now that it was a false comfort, Melena had not being safer at the end. But the difference, it was simple; those soldiers knew that one day one of them wouldn't make it. Kynol's red beard tinted with his still warm blood, even brighter under the sun; Vagran's strong hands holding that broken body as the running blood seeped through his clothes, his eyes lost between denial and realization. _This is it._ It was a knowing grief, one Vagran had been expecting to feel perhaps the moment he first lied eyes on Kynol's boisterous and charming smile. Now he could see the same kind of grief on different eyes. On Cameron Mitchell's eyes.

 

 

*****

 

 

Sam sat on the weapons console next to Ellis, her fingers traveling over the controls, her eyes intent on the information supplied.

 

“We thankfully sustained little damage to our systems, but we are straining the engines a bit too much” She looked up to Ellis.

 

“Well, Atlantis does need us back rather quickly” Vala supplied next to her with a little shrug. Ellis kept staring to the front, but his face showed his thoughts.

 

“We need to make good time; the _Apollo_ can handle it” He finally gave Sam a look, a decisive one. Sam just nodded, it was not her decision to make. Still, it was what she'd probably do. In around twenty minutes, they'd be back on Atlantis; installing the ZPM Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard and and Dr. Weir gave their lives to get. She let out a sigh. There was little to do beyond that, besides questioning if they'd get a chance to get them back.

 

“Bill” She called on her comm, deciding to push the thoughts away. “Do you have the diagnostic on that ZPM?” His response was heard quickly.

 

“It's at almost full power. Almost mint condition” He tried to sound happy, but she could hear the undertone of sadness. He had liked Weir a lot, despite, or maybe because, her ruse to steal the jumper. “We do share a silent passion.” He had told her once, and Sam had only rose an eyebrow. She realized she didn't knew Dr. Weir enough, not like Daniel did. _I'll have to tell Daniel._ Sam sighed, her chest suddenly heavy.

 

“That's good to hear. We'll be on Atlantis on around twenty, so have the ZPM ready for transport” Sam cut the transition and sat back, her mind drifting away from the console. She knew that one day a close call would be just the last call for any of them. She had known that for years. Was this Weir's and Sheppard's last call?. Or was there hope for them just yet? Vala's reassuring hand reached for her shoulder, and she gave her friend a small smile on return.

 

*****

 

McKay's eyes fluttered open, just to close again hurt by the artificial lightning. “Could you dim the lights? I'm in pain here!” He said with a whimper. His whole body hurt, his head hurt, his arm hurt a lot. He heard a laugh, a laugh he knew, and he could feel the indignation rise from his chest.

 

“The light is pretty dim already McKay. Try to acclimate your eyes” It was Ronon's all-knowing voice. But McKay could feel the hint of fondness. He was about to answer something to make sure he was not messing around, and then it hit him. _Elizabeth. Sheppard._

 

“Where are they!?” He sat abruptly on the bed, fear rising now like bile on his stomach. He felt queasy, ready to fall of the bed. “Ronon, where are they?” His manic eyes found his friend's, and there was only a small apology in them. “They didn't make it?” McKay deflated, but fury quickly started to rise. “Didn't they track their subcutaneous transmitter? What kind of moron is manning the Asgard beam?”

 

“Captain Meyers knows exactly how the Asgard beam works, and Colonel Carter went over the transmission data herself” The voice was calm, but he could feel that hint of exasperation Rodney recognized so well from other people.

 

“Well try again!” McKay yelled, fidgeting with the bandage across his arm, pulling the IV drip from it, fighting the queasiness. “I'll do it myself” Hands held him down to the bed; one of them covered in bandages. He slowly looked up, the calm voice now a shade more brittle than before.

 

“We are almost back on Atlantis. Because we did everything we could do. Four Asuran battlecruisers entered the system, and if we are going to safe Atlantis, we can't go on a suicide mission for two people that risked their lives to _save_ the city” It was Cameron Mitchell.

 

“Oh” Rodney said, feeling tired again, his righteous fury banishing as he looked at Mitchell's eyes. McKay could be stubborn of many things, lots of things. But he knew Mitchell wouldn't just leave Sheppard behind, not unless it was the only choice. And Sam, she never would leave good people behind if there was a chance either. Rodney reclined on the bed, Mitchell's hand letting him go. He stared to the ceiling, is eyes indeed accustoming to the light. “This is my fault”

 

“Dr. Weir and Sheppard knew what they were getting into. That's why they did it” Ronon said, as if it meant anything to McKay's own guilt.

 

“But if I-” Ronon cut him out quickly, his eyes seeking McKay's.

 

“Don't belittle their choices. Allow them that.” Ronon let go, leaning back on the too small metal chair. McKay nodded, and gulped. His mouth tasted like crap, his head still hurt, and his arm was killing him. It was easier to focus on his physical pain.

 

“We'll be back on Atlantis at any moment now” Mitchell said, his cocky voice altogether gone. He was still authoritative, but there was only cold when there once was heat. “You still have work to do McKay”

 

“In case you haven't noticed, I am very hurt” McKay whimpered, because there was not enough fire on him left to actually have bite.

 

“Are you gonna let anyone else install the ZPM?” Mitchell baited, McKay knew he was being baited.

 

“Of course not.”

 

“I'll get the doctor to discharge you” Mitchell stood up. The impassivity of his face quickly disappeared, his eyes staring down at him, resolute and dangerous. “And after Atlantis is safe and sound as John would want it, we are going start working on getting him and Dr. Weir back.”

 

*****

 

The _Apollo_ jumped from hyperspace, Atlantis right there where they had left her. There were at least three hours left of power. And now they had brought a ZPM to get the city to safety. Ellis let out a breath he didn't known he was holding, and smiled to himself. _I'll keep your city safe, Dr. Weir._ “Alright boys and girls, we are going to dock on the north pier. We have a city to bring home” There was some cheering around the bridge, and he nodded. “Colonel Carter, get us Atlantis in line please” She nodded, and the city's control room soon appeared on the monitor again. Teyla Emaggan came into view, her face expecting.

 

“Colonel Ellis” She greeted politely. “Please give me some good news.” She said with urgency.

 

“The plan was a success. They managed to find a ZPM. The city will be safe” Ellis finished with a nod to Meyer's next to him, who signaled to the back of the bridge.

 

“That is indeed wondrous news” Teyla offered with a sigh of relief. The silence hung for a moment, her face turning stern, as if bracing herself. “And my team, my people?”

 

Ronon and Mckay came into view, the later a little worse for wear but walking on his own. Ellis pointed then to stand in front of him. The following news should be delivered by friends, Ellis thought with a sigh.

 

“Teyla” Ronon said with a nod. That was enough for Teyla to sharply intake air. “Sheppard and Weir. They stayed behind” Teyla blinked hard a couple of times, breathing slowly.

 

“I see” She allowed herself one moment to look down, before looking up again, her face schooled, but the turmoil visible behind the mask. “I know you and Rodney, and the _Apollo_ and her crew did everything possible. We'll have time for our grief. Now, we have to take Atlantis to safety.” Teyla nodded, more to herself than anyone else.

 

“The ship's gonna dock on the north pier.” Ronon looked to his side, and McKay leaned forward to speak.

 

“You, you should get a jumper down there to wait for the ZedPM” McKay gave her a sad smile, and she nodded with kindness.

 

“We'll send Jumper three to fetch you Rodney” She nodded, a sigh escaping her lips. “Colonel Ellis?” Ronon and McKay moved out of the way, Teyla's eyes intently on Ellis. “Thank you. For bringing them home.”

 

“Of course, miss Emmagan” He answered, caught slightly out of guard.

 

“Teyla” She smiled at him with gratitude, closing her eyes and nodding at the screen. He answered in kind, if a bit awkwardly. “We'll ready the jumper at once. We'll see again soon” Ellis nodded, and the transmission went out.

 

*****

 

 

Rodney remained silent the whole way to the ZPM room; which even made the usually stoic Ronon worry. Rodney McKay was many things, but silent was not one of them. Ronon wondered if he should have expected this instead of McKay spewing his grief loud and clear for everyone to hear. Rodriguez had just nodded at them when she opened the jumper's cargo door; they sat in silence, Rodney holding close the case with the ZPM that had costed Sheppard and Weir's life. Ronon wondered why he never had called her Elizabeth, he wished he could have. Jumper One had followed behind them as they left the _Apollo_ to Atlantis, with Lorne on the driver's seat and SG-1 tagging along.

 

The corridors were dim lit as they walked, sleeping. McKay walked in front of Ronon, Carter and Zelenka behind, exchanging words as they followed. Soon they were on the chamber, and Rodney nodded to himself as the ZPM platform rose obeying his command; he took the ZPM, and placed it on the pedestal. Zelenka quickly moved -as quick as he could- to help him run the diagnostic to see if everything was okay, but Rodney waved him off.

 

“I can do this by myself.” He didn't look at Zelenka, or any of them. Carter let out a sigh, placing a hand on Zelenka.

 

“I'll help him; you two head up to the control room, there's power diagnostics to be run. Sounds okay?” Sam smiled, and Zelenka nodded. Ronon lingered a bit, until Sam's smile convinced him. The two walked away leaving Rodney tinkering with the interfaced laptop and Sam quizzically staring at him. McKay's hands stilled, his head still looking at the screen.

 

“If you are going to give me a lecture, I don't have time for it right now” His voice sounded tired, and Sam couldn't help but give him a sad smile in return.

 

“You did a very brave thing out there today, Rodney” She held her hands clasped in front of her, her face understanding, but McKay refused to met her eyes, instead resuming his typing.

 

“And now Sheppard and Elizabeth are dead.” He spat, his face turning redder, the tapping of his fingers becoming harsher. His eyes still not meeting hers.

 

“We don't know that.” She said, and he quickly looked at her; his expression so naked, his grief so clear.

 

“I don't need platitudes.” And he sounded almost offended, holding on to his self loathing seemed sounder to him, it seemed. “I should have never made Sheppard go back to reactivate the wraith-kill command” he said to himself.

 

“You what?” Sam sounded surprised, her face a question as she walked closer to him. He stopped typing, his eyes once again away from her.

 

“We had finished what he had came to do.” He pointed to the ZPM with little joy. “But I found a wraith-killing command on the replicator source code through Elizabeth. It was turned off, so, I decided to turn it on”

 

“That was a good idea; if it worked” Sam was honest, she had no intention to lie to him.

 

“Yeah” He sighed, still working on the laptop, the glow of the emergency lights harsh on his features. “If we had just left when he got the ZPM-” She cut him off, grabbing him by the arm and forcing him to look at her.

 

“But that's done. You all made the choice that you thought was worth the risk, yes?” He nodded and she continued. “They made a choice, you made a choice. You have to learn to live with that, Rodney.” She let out a sigh, letting go of his arm. “Let's make it so it's the best one.”

 

“They'll still be dead” His voice was fragile, and his cheeks got redder, his hands shakier.

 

“You don't know that. The replicators would have easily found their trackers and disabled them. It doesn't mean they are dead.” She said more forcefully, but he just shrugged. “All you can really do now is to keep Atlantis safe.” She finished, grabbing the computer at her side and helping him with the diagnostic. He nodded, silent tears finally making their way across his face.

 

*****

 

“The ZPM should be online right-” The control room lit up immediately, systems turning on again across the consoles. “-Now” Sam's voice sounded satisfied through the comm, and the people in the control room erupted in cheer. “Alright Dr. Zelenka, you can monitor the ZPM now if you please”

 

“On my way.” He responded thorough the mic before making his way hastily -if a bit cumbersome- to the ZPM chamber room, followed by Captain Rodriguez watching his step. Teyla watched him leave with a smile on her face, Ronon close at her side.

 

“McKay is making his way up there to help pick up the new planet.” Sam's voice was heard again, and Miko Kusanagi jumped on her station, working even more diligently on the list of possible planets.

 

“Thank you, Colonel Carter” Teyla hit the button and let out a heavy sigh. Ronon reached for her shoulder, but she just shook her head. “I'm fine.” They both knew it was a lie, but there was no time in letting their suffering get a hold of them right now. They had a city to take to safety.

 

“Shield is redeploying all over the city” Chuck said from his console, making Teyla turn to him. He looked more rested, but his eyes were redder. Amelia sat besides him, working diligently on the controls, getting updates from the rest of the city as the systems stirred awake.

 

Teyla looked around, the control room busy, coming to life once again. She looked up, to Elizabeth's empty office. Her face turned stern again, her grief heavy. She did not have time to school her features before Rodney appeared on the control room. He looked at her, shame on his face. For a moment she was caught off guard, not knowing what to do. It was a short doubt, as she made her way to him, placing her hands on his shoulders in a comforting gesture, and leaning her head on his, touching their foreheads.

 

“I am glad you hare back with us, my friend.” Her tone was sorrowful, but her smile was honest.

 

“Teyla, I'm-” But she didn't let him finish. They had both lost people they cared for deeply. It was not time for recriminations and questionings. It was time to be there for each other.

 

“We will mourn together Rodney. And we will talk, but not now. You don't owe me an explanation; I know everyone did what they thought it was necessary.” And her voice faltered, and she had to take a deep breath because John wasn't behind Rodney rolling his eyes, and Elizabeth wasn't looking after them from her office. She hugged him then, for both comfort and to hide her own pained face. Ronon stood besides them; silent, but sharing the same pain.

 

*****

 

“Here you are” Sam's voice was tender, part of her wondering if Cam would call her on her walking on eggshells around him. He was sitting on a staircase, out of the way as the rest of the Atlantis personal busied themselves walking on the city; a lot of them still on the _Apollo_ in case something went wrong. But there was enough people back in the city to look lively again; so Cam had retreated out of sight; staring at the void through Atlantis high windows.

 

“Here I am” He twisted his head towards her, showing her his profile before turning back to watching out of the window.

 

“Vala's with Bill; she's very adept at managing scientists.” She sat besides him slowly, taking note of her tired legs. He wondered how Cam's were.

 

“If she had as much luck with Jackson.” He kept staring outside, but a smile forming on his lips. A sad one, and Sam hoped not all his smiles became like that. She chuckled, bobbing her head to the front. Cam licked his lips, and took a big breath. “If they are alive, we'll find them.”

 

“And we won't stop looking for them.”

 

 

Cam felt his shoulders relax somewhat; knowing that he was not the only one who thought John was alive, that they were alive, made him feel like he might not be deluding himself. _What are the chances?_ John and Dr. Weir were high value prisoners, but was it possible for the replicators to just extract the information and just be done with them? He shook his head, pushing the thought away. He could not use that doubt. Right now, he had to find a way to get himself to Atlantis for the time being.

 

“Colonel Carter.” Sam's comm came to life, Ellis on the other side.

 

“Here”

 

“Dr. McKay tells me they have chosen Atlantis new home”

 

“On our way” Sam nodded to Cam, and they returned to the control room quickly.

 

“And neither Dr. Weir and Sheppard know about this planet?” Cam heard Ellis ask as they walked into the control room; the colonel looked tired, seemingly frustrated of McKay and Zelenka's high speed exchange. Sam walked to them, Cam remaining one step behind.

 

“Uhm, yeah. M35-117 it’s not on our primary or our back-up list. I purposely searched for planets we’d never considered before. The, uh, the Replicators can probe their minds all they want --they won’t find it.” McKay shook his head, his eyes fixed on the screen. “Zelenka, instead of bothering me, you should be with the ZPM”

 

“Miko is there. Miko knows what she is doing.” Zelenka just kept working on his laptop. McKay stared at him frowning, until Zelenka gave out and walked to the ZPM chamber cursing silently in czech. Ellis just gave McKay an unimpressed look, but said nothing further. Instead he set his eyes on Sam and Cam now besides him. Ellis face was understanding when his stare found Cam, but he just nodded, closed off.

 

“Colonel Ellis.” Sam nodded at Ellis.

 

“Colonels.” Ellis responded with a nod of his own before moving aside to let Sam stand next to McKay. Cam remained at the other side of the console, now standing next to Ellis, who kept studying him discreetly, albeit not inconspicuously.

 

“So, I hear you found a good planet?” Sam asked, and for a moment McKay seemed lost on his own thoughts, his eyes red rimmed.

 

“M35-117, Yeah. Look, it’s stable atmosphere, uh, big ocean. Besides the large, particularly venomous snake-like creature that inhabits the mainland, it looks to be a welcoming environment.” He nodded, forcing himself to let a smile across his face, his eyes finding Cam's. He smiled back at him, feeling McKay was doing his best to keep it together.

 

“Dr. Kusanagi, how's everything with the ZPM?” Sam asked through her radio, and the answer came quickly.

 

“Readings are nominal, power flow is very well within optimal parameters. --Dr. Zelenka wants me to say yes, he double checked the readings.”

 

“Good” McKay said tersely before taking a big breath, his eyes looking at the three Colonels around him.

 

“Okay, here we go” And with McKay's command, Atlantis entered hyperspace.

 

*****

 

Carson Beckett stood in front of the ancient chair, his thoughts tumultuous yet focused. His emotions fought for a place within his head, yet he pushed to keep them down. He had a very important job to do now. No time to wallow on misery of the friends he lost.

 

“Dr. Beckett, we can bring Major General O'Neill if you are having second thoughts.” Colonel Carter gave him a reassuring smile. For a moment he was tempted to accept her offer, but he shook his head. He could do this. If Elizabeth and Sheppard had given their lives for Atlantis, he could land the city safely. She nodded back at him and stepped to the side as he sat down. He had seen Rodney on the control room, but he had avoided his gaze on return, as if scurrying away. Part of him wanted to yell at Rodney, the other to tell him they would do fine. Teyla had been the one to give Carson the details of what had happened, and yes, there was a lot Carson could yell Rodney for, but what would be the point? Carson willed himself to relax on the chair, but his thoughts kept circling back to Lt. Colonel Sheppard, and Elizabeth. _What are they gonna do to them?_

 

“Dr. Beckett?” Colonel Carter's voice brought him back. Her face was worried, and her companion, Vala Mal Doran, looked around the room with surprise on her face. “Are you doing that?”

 

“Uh?” Carson looked around, and he could see it; the cities lights were dimmed, a blue hue tinting everything, something that he could only describe as sadness. As if responding to that thought, the room went even bluer, and a soft whirring, almost like a wail, started humming through the city. Colonel Carter's radio started to buzz, and she quickly relayed the question.

 

“McKay wants to know if you are doing that.”

 

“He can very well ask me himself. I'm in the chair.” Carson huffed, his temper flaring at the thought of Rodney still avoiding him. He let out a sigh, he was still mad at Rodney, but he didn't want to punish his friend. He willed his voice to reach the control room. “I'm just a bit blue Rodney.”

 

“Oh. Okay” Rodney answered in his mind, and Carson thought he could even feel him fidgeting. Carson pushed the worry out of his head; he had to do this, he had to do it for _them._ He could see their new planet beneath, he was Atlantis, looking down at it, floating on the space where the void turns to deep blue. He moved forward, Atlantis mover forward, and he could feel the city shaking. He scared for a moment, but he steeled himself. _I can do this._ He heard Rodney whining on his head, and he rolled his closed eyes. He could hear Teyla asking Rodney what was going on. “The angle’s too steep. If we keep going like this, we’re gonna put too much strain on the shield, which means more power draining from the ZedPM. Carson, we’re coming in too steep. You need to ease up on the angle of re-entry.”

 

Carson squared his jaw and scrunched his eyes, trying to picture the vectors on his mind, accounting for the friction. He though he could hear Dr. Lee and Colonel Carter talking about something through the radio, but he pushed them out of his mind. He kept trying to visualize the vectors, forcing the city to follow his will. The city shook, a bit temperamental, and he could hear Rodney's whining again.

 

“Ease up on the angle!” Rodney cried, and Carson could swear he heard him inside of his head. He shuddered.

 

“I heard you the first bloody time, Rodney.”

 

“And yet we’re still coming in too steep!”

 

Carson frowned, trying to rearrange the vectors as they kept falling short of the city's actual trajectory. He pushed his mind hard, but the city protested him more, shaking as they made their way though the blue sky. Even he could feel the vibration, despite most his sense of self currently linked to the city.

 

“Carson, you need to slow us down. We’re coming in over the water” Carson acknowledged, trepidation taking a hold of him. They were falling too fast. He felt it, the strain. _Slower, Slower. “_ Still too fast! Slow down! We wanna touch down gently, like a leaf kissing the surface of a pond.” McKay said on his thoughts, and Carson couldn't help the exasperated sigh amid his own worry. _Slower. Slower._ The city obeyed so, somewhat, and although he could feel the shake as they made contact with the water, he knew they were safe. “Nice kissing!” McKay said nonetheless.

 

“I did it.” Carson said out loud, almost astonished. Vala walked towards him and lend him a hand to get off the chair. Carson shook his head, his thoughts feeling muddled and a bit vacant without Atlantis' humming on his head. Vala gave him a smile and a playful pat on the shoulder, and he could not help but to smile back.

 

“Good job Doc!”

 

Colonel Carter talked though the radio, relief showing on her face. Carson eyes stared past her, to the ocean, and he could see the shield being dropped. Atlantis was safe. Colonel Carter looked at him, her smile big and bright.

 

“Dr. Beckett, we made it. The city’s floating safely on the ocean. Excellent landing.”

 

“Thank you.” He sighed closing his eyes for a moment. His heart still pounding; the view of the ocean beautiful under the setting sun. He smiled sadly, wishing that Elizabeth could see it too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Only one more chapter --only one more scene there to write-- and this would be finished. I do feel this story is a bit slow and way too much setup, feedback would be greatly appreciated, and kudos lift my spirits.
> 
> Well, next story *would* be a prison break. So that should be exciting!
> 
> Some dialogue for McKay taken from the episode "Lifeline".
> 
> Also I just keep returning to Carson's POV, why I can't quit you?


	6. Hello to Misery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atlantis is safe, but the losses are great, and no one is quite sure how to move on, if to give up or not. Cam knows one thing, this is not the end.
> 
> Certainly not for John; whose misery is just about to begin.

Ronon stood on the door frame for what it felt like minutes, but he was sure no more than a few moments had passed. Teyla was still reverently picking up Dr. Weir's things from her desk, her face solemn, well trained. He could have turned tail back right there, he wanted to, but Teyla shouldn't have to go through this alone. No matter how much he disliked the idea of putting Dr. Weir in a box.

 

He stepped in, finally, trying to eat down the bile rising in his throat. The office still smelled of the soft floral fragrance he could never actually put a name on. He closed his eyes for a moment, and he could see her there, on her red shirt, mind busy doing her interminable list of chores. They could always find her here, working, minding over Atlantis. He opened his eyes, and she wasn't there.

 

“I wonder who will take her place” Teyla spoke softly, her hands carefully folding the chain over the fob. It had belonged to Dr. Weir's father. She had asked him once if he had kept a memento of his parents, of someone he had lost. He had remained silent, as usual, and she had quickly apologized for intruding. Days later, he had answered. “There was no much time. To get anything.”

 

“If you could go back, what would you bring with you?” She had looked at him from her chair, her eyes tired, yet still she spared a moment to talk to him; who had barely even held a conversation in months. But Ronon was rather sure she understood what kind of man he was. Silent. That's why they enjoyed spending time together; if sitting in her office while she worked counted like time spent together. That time he had just shrugged, and she had smiled, as she usually did. Later, when he had the opportunity to go back to Sateda he brought three things.

 

His mother's sewing kit, Melena's favorite locket, and his crafting tools.

 

Looking at Teyla placing the fob on the box, he realized he never told Dr. Weir of the things he had brought back from Sateda. He had kept coming to sit with her, but as always, he just remained silent. He swallowed hard, the room feeling too crammed with Dr. Weir's memories.

 

He shook his head, calming himself down. “Whoever it is, it’s tough shoes to fill” He reached for Teyla's shoulder, as much to comfort her as to ground himself. This pain was not only his own. He squeezed, and Teyla fought the sobs back, reaching for his hand and squeezing tightly.

 

 

*****

 

Sam held her breath, and only let it out when the gate shimmered as the event horizon rippled comfortably in the Stargate. The others in the control room let their own breaths catch up, and Sam nodded to Cam besides her. He took the mic with trepidation, licking his lips.

 

“This is Atlantis calling Stargate Command. Do you read?” For a moment there was no response, Sam wondering if one of the gates had failed to receive the updated macro. She glanced to McKay, his eyes glued to his tablet, looking for an answer.

 

“We read you, Atlantis. Good to hear from you.” Rodney looked up and sighed heavily, and Sam couldn't help but smile. Cam offered a genuine smile, but it faded soon.

 

“Not as glad as these folks are. Atlantis is back on the grid; no need to forward the mail” He drawled into the mic, and it almost sounded like his regular self. “Tell General Landry we say hi, Walter”

 

“You can tell me yourself” Landry's voice came booming, and Cam shook his head. “It's good to hear from you.” And his voice was fond for a moment, before turning somber. “Let me have it; how are things on Atlantis?” Sam looked at her friend, wondering for a moment if she should step in, perhaps to save him the pain. But Cam just schooled his face, taking a big breath.

 

“The expedition lost some good people today, Sir. We'll have a comprehensive list to send in a while.” Cam took another breath. “Including Lt. Colonel Sheppard and Dr. Weir. They were lost when they went to the replicator home planet to steal a ZPM.”

 

“I see.”Landry's voice was heavy, a sigh audible through the signal. “And I see they succeeded. Our most sincere condolences in behalf the SGC and the Air Force; they were both remarkable people. I'm sure everyone in Atlantis agrees with that.”

 

“I'll pass it on” Cam said, his voice turning colder.

 

“Thanks son.” Landry let the moment hang before continuing. “I want SG-1 to return as soon as possible for a full debriefing. And I guess you should tell McKay he is in charge as the senior chief sciences until the IOA appoints Dr. Weir's replacement.|1”

 

“Really?” Sam asked quizzically standing besides Cam.

 

“Yeah. I know, but it is on their charter.” Landry replied with a sigh. Sam looked to where Rodney was sitting, but now he was on the display in the back with Zelenka.

 

“Alight, We'll dial home within the hour, Sir.” Cam let out a little sigh and cut the transmission after Landry said his goodbyes. Sam looked for his friend's face, but Cam's eyes remained on the console, his whole demeanor far away from her. She heard McKay give an excited yelp from the other side of the control room. Now this time Cam looked up as well, and they both made their way to the display in the back. McKay and Zelenka turned as they heard them approach, their faces alight with relief.

 

“A replicator fleet is heading out to this wraith planet!” Zelenka said excitedly, pointing at the screen. Sam's eyes widened as she went over the telemetry, a smile forming on her lips.

 

“What do you know? It worked!” McKay smiled, his eyes going over the data as well. His smile dimmed once he found Cam's face behind him. He tried to return the smile, but it was brittle, and Rodney spun back on his chair, face crestfallen once again. Sam watched McKay stood up and walk away without speaking, her eyes meeting Cam's for a second before he went after him.

 

Zelenka looked up at her from his chair, his face a question, but Sam could only let out a sigh.

 

*****

 

They put the last of Dr. Weir's effects on the box, but Ronon still couldn't figure out where the flowery smell came from. He smiled despite himself, and Teyla gave him a quizzical look.

 

“The fragrance. Still lingers” He said looking away, suddenly embarrassed. Teyla smiled as she closed the box, giving one last look to the decorations Dr. Weir had brought from all over Pegasus. Her office had became melting pot of Atlantis allies, and Ronon could see Teyla's eyes linger on the athosian rugs. She shook her head, and directed her smile back to Ronon.

 

“It's jasmine. A beautiful flower that blooms at night.” Teyla said taking one deep breath. “Elizabeth loved the scent.”

 

Ronon looked around, and he could not find the source of the smell. Had it been Dr. Weir's perfume? He smelled, wondering how long it would take the scent to fade away. The thought felt devastating for some reason, and he shook his head to shake it away. “We should take these things to her quarters.”

 

They left the office, Ronon carrying the box tightly. They made their way in silence, solemnly; the presence of the other calming, tempering their grief.

 

“Who do you think should clear John's office?” Teyla asked suddenly, facing Ronon. They stopped on the middle of the corridor, Ronon making sure no one was close, his eyes searching back an forth. Mitchell's pain was fresh on his mind's eye. He bit his lip, shaking his head.

 

“Perhaps I should do it. Although I don't think he ever kept anything personal in there.” Teyla gave him a knowing look, and he had to avoid it. Sheppard's secrets were not his to share, even imply. Teyla looked at him for a while longer, before resuming her walk.

 

“Perhaps so.” She said lightly, Ronon catching up quickly to her steps. Before the silence could set in, they saw Vala Mal Doran making their way to them. They knew little of her, it was Dr. Weir who accompanied her and Daniel Jackson for most of that day they spent on Atlantis. She smiled at them politely, but her eyes fell quickly on the box. Ronon held it a little bit tighter, the thought of the SGC wanting to take Elizabeth's effects back to Earth suddenly weighing him.

 

Vala stood awkwardly in front of them, as if she wanted to say something. She took a breath and shook her head, a flat smile perhaps meant to be reassuring.

 

“General Landry sends his condolences.” She pointed at the box, and Ronon only replied with a hostile frown. Teyla spared looks to him and Vala, who now looked even nervous, and interceded quickly.

 

“Thank you, Miss Mal Doran. Your people's thoughts are well received.” She bowed slightly, her gaze trying to coax Ronon into following, but he remained still, his eyes not kinder at all. Vala gulped, but spoke again.

 

“Look. I don't know how you guys must be feeling.” She sounded nervous, but honest. “But I'm not from Earth either, and if there something I can imagine, is how hard it must be to loose people that welcomed you, that gave you a chance.- Dr. Weir and Lt. Colonel Sheppard were good people; and she was pretty funny but I don't get the impression she let herself loose often-” Vala realized she was rambling, so she shook her head, trying to gather her train of thought. “They were good people, the expedition will miss them --and, and they were loved. We'll miss them too.” For a moment, her eyes locked into Ronon's, and he could feel that she knew, something.

 

“Thanks” he replied tersely, but not unkind. She nodded at both of them before stepping out of the way and letting them continue on their way. They walked a few paces more, before Ronon turned his head around. Vala was still staring at them, a sigh escaping her lips.

 

*****

 

As he walked outside, the breeze was refreshing, shockingly so. He might be feeling whiplash from the switch between recycled space-ship air and the salty air of the ocean. The door closed behind him with one clean sound, but Rodney McKay didn't seem to notice his approach. Cam made his way to the railing, slowly, joining the scientist as the sun finished setting over the horizon.

 

“Hey McKay” Cam opened, looking probably as awkward as he felt. He let the breeze hit him in the face, clearing his mind. That was a hard task when he had to keep spending all his will not thinking about John. Specially since now he'd had to talk about John. With McKay. And that was just weird on so many levels that John would honestly laugh about it.

 

“Mmm” McKay acknowledged, but didn't look at Cam. He was leaning on the railing, his head tilted downwards to the ocean. He blinked hard, and the thin line of his lips moved. “I was arrogant” And it was like the words hurt him as they left him. “If I hadn't came up with the idea of reactivating the code; they would have made it. We would have all made it back.”

 

“I'm sure you have been told this before. But it was their choice.” Cam knew he was being overly poignant, he also had to keep convincing himself. “They knew the risks; you all knew the risks of the plan. And It worked. Now the replicators are going after the space vampires, and Atlantis can have a little breath.” Cam pushed himself away from the railing, raising his chin; _There's nothing like it._ John's words kept running on his head.

 

“I still think it's my fault.” McKay admitted, his chin stubbornly twitching despite his attempt to keep it together. It was hard to keep it together, Cam could only agree.

 

“Well, don't. You offered a plan. Sheppard followed, Weir bought you all time to leave and Sheppard couldn't let her behind.” And Cam surprised himself by the small hint of rage he felt at that. He was sure Dr. Weir would be even angrier. McKay looked up, his face a question with wide eyes. “Ronon told me.” McKay just made an O shape with his mouth before returning to look at the sea. Cam gave him a moment before continuing. “Landry wants SG-1 back ASAP for debriefing.”

 

McKay looked at him again. “I thought you would be staying.” And his eyes seemed a little lost. “And who's gonna be on charge now?”

 

“For the time being. You.” Cam offered him a little smile, but McKay just frowned, taken aback.

 

“Me?”

 

“Yeah. It's in Atlantis' charter”

 

“Well, I mean, I guess it makes sense – I mean, I am the chief of sciences, aren't I? I guess that makes me third on the chain of command? Do you know how to manage a city?” He turned to Cam quickly, the question honest on his face.

 

“You'll do fine. Lorne will help you.” McKay nodded at this, and Cam couldn't help but let out a smirk. “Remember, just until the IOA makes a final decision.” Cam raised his eyebrows, but McKay this time stood straighter, fixing his jacket.

 

“Well, if I do well my job, they might make it permanent.” And there was a little of pride in his voice; Cam didn't knew how to respond to that. He must have shown it on his face, McKay quickly adding. “The least I can do is keep the city safe. For them.” He averted his gaze, but Cam understood. He breathed in the salty air again, now feeling the chill of the evening approaching. _Nights are even better._ John's memory whispered, and Cam felt a pang on his chest.

 

McKay leaned on the railing again, his face more solemn now. “This was their balcony, you know?”

 

“Uh?”

 

“His and Elizabeth's” McKay explained, and Cam nodded. “Here they came, after we saved the day. Lot of times I did it myself, but they never invited me.”

 

“Bummer.” Cam said flatly, and McKay squinted back at him.

 

“Well yeah.” McKay sighed, his face serene perhaps for the first time Cam had seen it today. “This was their balcony. Should remain so.” He said without explaining before turning back to Cam and taking a big breath, steeling himself. “I haven't said it, but I'm sorry. I know -I think I know, how much Sheppard meant to you.” He said awkwardly, but in one breath. Cam turned around, leaning his back on the riling, crossing his arms in front of him, but the rest of his body relaxed.

 

“Yeah.” Cam wanted to say more, but everything would just pain him. He looked up, the spires of Atlantis glimmering with the sunset, and he desperately wanted John there with him, telling him about the city, standing a bit too close, his warmth chasing away the evening chill. “Yeah.”

 

“If they -if they are out there. We'll find them.” Cam looked back at McKay, and the conviction on his face was almost reassuring. He smiled.

 

“We'll find them.” Cam smiled, almost a cocky grin; as if he had accepted a challenge. He made his way back to the door, signaling McKay to go with him. They crossed the door, and McKay stopped, fidgeting with his tablet. The door's mechanism burst into sparks, and the crystals dimmed until turning completely off.

 

“Oops” McKay said, insincerely.

*****

 

Carson looked at the scotch bottle, temptation calling to him. He let out a sigh, imagining Elizabeth's stern eyes on him, so gently judging him. She was right, that was no way of dealing with problems, as tempting that might be. He continued working on his grim paperwork, the autopsy reports of the people that died during the replicator attack and the following escape. _Mark Halstaad, 23._ He let out another sigh. This was the part of his job he hated, but still did with the utmost care. Even when their deaths would be classified, he made sure to be as meticulous as possible. He had been offered a medical examiner last year, but he had refused. He could do this. But he still wasn't sure why he was so adamant about it.

 

There was a knock on the door. “Come in.” He called absentmindedly. It was Jennifer Keller, standing nervously on the front door, holding on to a sheet of paper on her hands. He looked at her, but his eyes fell back to his paperwork. “I'm sorry Dr. Keller, but I'm rather busy.” He tried to sound calm, but every time he even thought of her or Rodney, he couldn't help his temper rising. Keller gulped, but kept her chin up, and decisively walked towards his desk.

 

“I wanted to thank you for this opportunity, Dr. Beckett. But I think it's better if I -I came here to personally give you my letter of resignation.” Keller swallowed again, the thin sheet of paper trembling on her hand. But here eyes were resolute, even when now her lips started to tremble. Carson let out a loud groan, unable to control his temper any longer.

 

“What the bloody hell I am supposed to do with that?” He said, barely below a shout. Keller startled, but her stare remained steeled.

 

“What?” She asked, her voice now a tremor.

 

“No, I don't accept your resignation. What do you want me to say? I'm still so angry at you and Rodney, but I don't want you gone.” He shook his head, wishing he had poured himself at least a finger of scotch.

 

“With all due respect, it was my idea.” She said with courage, but lowering her arm. “Dr. McKay only helped me put the plan into action.”

 

“Aye, and it was a brilliant idea” Carson admitted, biting his lip.

 

“Uh?” And for the first time, she seemed at a complete loss of words. Carson looked at her, letting out a sigh.

 

“You are a brilliant doctor, Jennifer. There's a reason Elizabeth chose you to join this expedition; she could take her pick everywhere, but she specifically chose you.” He stood up from his chair, walking towards one of his cabinets, procuring a folder; her file. It was a very thick folder. “I'm not ashamed to admit that you are smarter than I am.” She touched the side of her hair, her eyes cast downwards.

 

“Dr. Beckett, I'm sure-”

 

“I don't mean it as a compliment.” He dropped the folder on the table, sitting once again. Keller stared at him blankly, swallowing hard. “What you did was so reckless, so dangerous. And ethically reprehensible.” She stared down, shame tinting her face. “That's the sort of thing I expect from Rodney.”

 

“Then it would be best if I left, Dr. Beckett.” Her voice quivered, and she reached for her nose, trying to suppress the sniffle.

 

“No. I can't agree with that.” He sighed. “Elizabeth chose you for a reason. You can be of so much worth to this expedition. Your research work is outstanding, your essays in virology and epidemiology are riveting; mind blowing. This expedition needs you; this galaxy certainly needs more people like you.--Elizabeth wanted you out there because there's so much we can do for the people of Pegasus, and you have the will and the intelligence to bring your everything to the problem. You don't give up, even when perhaps you should.” He shook his head, trying to push Elizabeth's pained eyes from his mind, and trying to finish his point. “We are taking leaps into medical territory uncharted here, we can do so much more than we may have dreamed. But not because we can it means we should.” Carson's own regrets came into mind, regrets that were still out there.

 

She remained silent, the sheet of paper a lot more worse for wear now in her fist. She finally nodded, rubbing her eyes off the blossoming tears. He reached for the tissue box and put it in front of her. She nodded sheepishly before grabbing one and blowing her nose, calming down slightly.

 

“I won't say this to hurt you.” Carson continued, his voice lower, barely above a whisper. “Dr. Weir would have never wanted to reactivate the nanites. You don't know what she had went through with them before. She would have rather died.” Keller looked at him, her cheeks draining of color. Her eyes too wide. He continued. “It was not the sort of thing she wanted on her medical chart.” And that might have been his fault to, he should have put it in. “I need you to trust my judgment. And maybe that's a tall order because I didn't gave you the reasons why you shouldn't have gone through with it, but –That was Elizabeth's secret, it was confidential. I apologize for not giving you the reasons, it would have been easier if I had told you.”

 

He breathed in, feeling his anger subside. She looked at him, her face pale, and the sheet of paper now definitely crumpled. She nodded, mostly to herself.

 

“I understand, Dr. Beckett. I do apologize. I should have talked it through with you before going to Dr. McKay.” She shook her head, tirednes overcoming her voice.

 

“And I shouldn't have shut you out without an explanation.” He admitted conciliatory, even when part of him still held to the idea she should have just obeyed. The other part of him remembered this was Atlantis; orders apparently were suggestions.

 

She shifted on her feet awkwardly, trying to find words. “I can't say I will always agree with what you think, and that I won't question you if I absolutely don't agree.” She said evenly, with conviction. He nodded.

 

“Of course. I wouldn't expect any less. But I am your superior, and the ultimate choice is on me; even if you think I'm wrong.” And his eyes were a bit too hard, but he needed to make the point clear.

 

She looked at him for a moment, as if wanting to protest something, but she just nodded. “Of course, Dr. Beckett” He smiled at her warmly nonetheless, hoping this would be a one time deal. She then left quickly, and Carson letting out a heavy sigh.

 

 

*****

 

Cam walked to the gate room, taking his time to really have a look around. The broken windows on top of the stairs had been already cleaned up, and he wondered how they were going to replace them. Was there a window production machine in Atlantis? If there was, he wasn't sure if John would know. John knew all the cool places -only the cool places- he had offered to give him a tour back when. In hindsight, he should have been able to pick up some things faster. Cam shook his head, there would be time for dwelling on his memories of John later.

 

“You guys ready?” The rest of his team -including Bill- awaited for him on the gate room. Bill nodded, and Vala gave him a smile.

 

“All packed, I guess.” Sam tightened the straps of her backpack, wincing. “I think they feel heavier.”

 

“Well” Ellis said walking down the stair. “The 302 array's burned out, so, I guess you should take them with you.” He said flatly, and Sam rose an eyebrow. “That's a joke.”

 

“Oh.” Sam smiled almost sheepishly.

 

“We are just sending some samples that R & D will find very interesting.” Ellis said, now rising an eyebrow of his own directed to Bill and Vala.

 

“We were supposed to tell you.” Bill said.

 

“Yeah, he was supposed to tell you.” Vala supplied innocently. Sam rolled his eyes and walked towards Cam. They saw Teyla, Ronon and McKay coming down the stairs to say their goodbyes. As usual, Ronon remained mostly silent. Teyla thanked every one of them politely instead, and McKay awkwardly said goodbye to Sam before turning to him.

 

McKay wiped his hands on the sides of his pants before extending one to Cam, his expression stern. Cam gave him a grin in return before shaking it.

 

“You'll do a good job, McKay.” Cam at least hoped, but if John was right, it would be so. At least for a while, and that was all they needed. McKay smiled in return, and for a second, his mouth hanged open, as if he wanted to say something. But he soon closed it, shaking his head. Cam let go of his hand, and waved away at John's team. He wanted to make a promise to them, but perhaps he couldn't keep it. He didn't feel as guilty about making that promise to himself though.

 

Lorne, Zelenka and Rodriguez waved at them from the control room. As the rest of his team went through the event horizon, Cam gave Atlantis one last look. For Now.

 

Because he meant it; he was going to find John; and he was going to do it himself.

 

*****

 

 

Landry stared through the window as SG-1 made their way back. Dr. Jackson quickly running to them and Vala hugging him tightly. Too tight. He let out a humorous sigh. “What has you so chirpy, Hank?” The voice on the telephone asked, teasingly.

 

“SG-1 is back. I guess there's a long debriefing coming.”

 

“Sounds like fun; wish I were there.” The voice said insincerely, and Landry rolled his eyes, walking back to the table. “But actually, I kinda do. People around here are already starting to throw names into the hat.”

 

Landry sat with practiced ease on his spot, just waiting for SG-1 to put their things away and head up. “The IOA never rests; when their asses are bare at least.” Landry chuckled at his own joke, and the voice joined in.

 

“Fun thing. They are considering the idea of giving the position to someone with a military background.”

 

“That's a surprise.” Landry arched his eyebrows, leaning on the table. The voice chuckled on the other side.

 

“Their asses are very bare, Hank.” The voice sighed, somewhat tired. “So maybe you should be ready for some changes on SG-1.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Nothing concrete. But they are scared; and they know none of them could do a better job than Dr. Weir had been doing.” The voice sighed heavily. “My man on the inside tells me it's very likely.”

 

“Never thought Woolsey would ever be your man on the inside.”

 

“Is that's a sex joke? My, how scandalous!.” The voice chuckled lightly, finally letting out a sigh. “I'll keep you informed, Hank.”

 

“Not much else to do. Take care Jack.” Landry cut the call and pocketed his phone, doubts in his head swirling. The steps on the stair took him back , and he looked up, a tired smile on his lips.

 

“Sir.” Cameron Mitchell said, primly as ever. But something was slightly off. Landry shook the thought, it had been a difficult day for everyone. Everyone was a bit off. The rest of SG-1 -minus Teal'c, Dr. Lee apparently subbing for him.- appeared behind him.

 

“SG-1, take a seat.” Landry waited till everyone was set, then took a deep breath. “Let's begin”

 

*****

 

It was futile, it was completely stupid. But he couldn't stop himself. Ronon's strong grasp slipped away from his arm, his only tether to logic gone. _I can't let her behind._ He ran back into the corner, head-fist into the replicators, the ARG pointless dead weight. This was the stupidest thing he had ever done. There was no chance on rescuing Elizabeth; there was no way to escape now. He had blown it. _But I can't let her die alone._ He tried to fight his way back to her, but the replicators swarmed him, overpowering him so easily, as if he were a child. Cold vice-like grips on his arms and shoulders, painful; he tried to fight off but to no avail. He was captured.

 

Not worst case scenario, he thought.

 

His heart was pounding, beads of sweat on his face as they dragged him deeper and deeper into the replicator city. Deeper and deeper. It was a lot like Atlantis. They were taking him to the brig. Prisoner, to be mind-screwed for information. Not worse case scenario; barely though. He gulped. This had not been a good idea. Yeah, he would die, that he had accepted a long time ago, this was just the other shoe dropping. But this had been senseless, and possibly dangerous for the rest. Would McKay and Ronon be able to escape? He shuddered. Senseless. There was a difference between recklessness and stupidity, and he had crossed it. Every synapse told him he had been a fool.

 

But he couldn't let Elizabeth die alone.

 

The cell came into view, and he was unceremoniously thrown inside. He fell face first, barely preventing his head from smashing on the hard floor. Gentle hands propped him up; warm hands. Elizabeth. He looked up, and he fought hard to not look away, at the mix of anger and disappointing on her face.

 

“Damn-it John” She said, eyes damp and voice tired, still not letting go. Her stare fell on him accusatory, but as steps came closer, she looked outside, defiantly.

 

“Dr. Weir. Sheppard.” Oberoth's voice was almost amenable, the smile on his face self satisfied. “I'm sorry to inform you that your companions didn't made it out.” Elizabeth remained still, her face lowering, but John couldn't believe it . _It's my fault, if I hadn't-_

 

“You are lying.” Elizabeth said raising her head, her eyes squinting and measuring. It was not a guess, it was a statement. She stood up with difficulty, breathing heavily, but her eyes never left Oberoth. “I know they aren't here. I can _see_ it.”

 

His smile widened, almost predatory. “You should never be underestimated, Dr. Weir. I know that now. I can feel your presence within the collective, yet I'm unable to lock you out or control you. Frankly, I'm astonished by your skill. You are truly marvelous.” There was admiration on his voice, dark, unsettling. Like an old man encountering an exquisite work of art. The thought make John shiver, but Elizabeth kept staring to the replicator leader without faltering.

 

“I'm flattered.” She deadpanned. “You must know how dangerous I can be. Yes?” She asked, as if showing him something John couldn't see. Oberoth nodded, contemplating her. “I will fight you as long as I remain me; and there's a lot of damage I could do.” Her eyes were furious, hot enough that Oberoth had no doubt of her intentions. “Let the colonel go and I promise I won't fight you.”

 

“Elizabeth!” John cried out, frustrated. Helpless.

 

“John.” Her tone was forceful, she was still angry at him. For disobeying, for being an idiot. She looked at him, and her eyes screamed. _Shut up._ He obliged, reluctantly. A booming laughter broke the tension, Oberoth cracking himself up almost grotesquely.

 

“Do you think you are in any position to demand anything?” And his demeanor shifted, his false politeness now wrathful and vindictive. He rose his arm, and a platform started to rise in the middle of the cell, separating John and Elizabeth. Guards quickly made their way inside, grabbing him before he could move, forcing him to his knees. Elizabeth's eyes showed fear as Oberoth walked to her, and two of his men grabbed her and forced her into the table. She resisted them stubbornly, her eyes never leaving Oberoth, but there was nothing she could do.

 

“Put nanites on me! Do whatever you plan to do to her to me! Just let her go!.” John yelled, and the words tore up his throat. This wasn't right, he was the one who was supposed to die someday; not Elizabeth; she was supposed to be safe on the city, He was dispensable, she wasn't. He should have never listened to Rodney, he should have said no, find another way. This should not be, this was wrong. He shouldn't have to see Elizabeth die. He knew how his end should play out, with Elizabeth giving his box to Cam. _Cam._

 

“Your organic parts make you difficult to control.” Oberoth continued talking to Elizabeth, without paying attention to him. “We have no use for them in any case.” He smiled, running his finger down her cheek threateningly, but she never kept her eyes away, even as her breath quickened in terror. John struggled harder, even managing to free an arm. He tried to grab one of their weapons, but he was swiftly intercepted, and his arm yanked so forcefully that he could feel his shoulder snap. He howled in pain, hearing Elizabeth's worried voice on the distance. The pain throbbed, weighting on him, but he still managed to look up.

 

Elizabeth's head had been forced to look above, as Oberoth hovered above her triumphantly. “Nanite reintegration is normally done in one of our labs, but-“ Oberoth glanced at Sheppard, a smile full of teeth forming on his face. “-We have an audience.” John tried to fight again, helplessly, the pain on his shoulder blackening the edges of his vision. Elizabeth's body convulsed, her breath becoming erratic as the table beneath her started to glow. Oberoth smiled satisfied as she writhed in pain.

 

“I'm here. Elizabeth. I'm here.” John's voice was hoarse, pained. He could see Elizabeth close her fists, steeling herself. “I'm here.”

 

And then she stopped. The guard let go of her, and her lifeless head lolled to the side, empty eyes staring back at John.

 

“You son of a bitch!” John spat, struggling again, almost managing to free his good arm. “I will kill you and your whole damn race!” He shouted frantically, his face red with rage and pain.

 

“You will do no such things.” Oberoth smiled and walked towards him, placing a hand on his hair as if he were a child. “You are ours now.” Or a pet.

 

“Try to mind-fuck me all you want; I'll resist. I'm gonna waste so much of your time.” John said defiantly, his mouth a sneer with a conviction he wasn't sure he felt.

 

“Your mind is strong. But even the hardest steel breaks under pressure. And we have all the time in the world.” He tightened his grip in John's hair, making pain sear through his scalp. John refused to show weakness, eyes firmly on Oberoth, wishing for the day he would kill him. “Fix his wounds and then return him. Keep him alive for when I have need of him.” Oberoth said turning away, and walking towards Elizabeth's body. One of the guards pulled John up, and he had little fight in him left, the pain of his shoulder blackening his sight. The last thing John's eyes saw was Oberoth towering over Elizabeth's body.

 

“Dispose of this.”

 

John's mind drifted, giving out to the pain and tiredness. Elizabeth was dead, and he had made himself a prisoner because he couldn't let her die alone. At least she hadn't. Now there was only him, and he would have to endure Oberoth's mind games until his body gave up. How long would that take? John wanted to curse, but not even his mouth responded to him, the lethargy overtaking his body, and now his mind. He started drifting to blackness, a dark respite, the grief over Elizabeth's death abandoning him for the moment, and regret for the future he would never have with Cam drowning him before he lost consciousness.

 

******

 

“Then, what's what you want Sheppard?”

 

“Dunno. Something easy.”

 

“Well, they say the best things are worth fighting for.”

 

“But you can't fight for your whole life. I'm thinking after the fighting part.”

 

“Something easy then?”

 

“Eh, pipe dream. Nothing's easy.”

 

“But you can pretend sometimes.”

 

“Sometimes.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is it for this story! Thank you so much for the comments and kudos and recs, I love to know there are people out there reading this XD!
> 
> Next story will be started to be written this week and hopefully started to be published by next. I had meant to write John's six weeks on Earth as part of the next story; but having decided that the second chronological story will alternate between Atlantis and Asuras, the six weeks will get an extended flashback serving as an interlude.
> 
> So the next story will be "Six Weeks" exactly what it says on the tin! The story after that will roughly take place between "Reunion" and "Missing", but "Travelers" will be left for later, for reasons (heheheheheheh Larrin's gonna have some fun)
> 
> PS: As I keep putting things on the overview, Oberoth just keeps getting more and more evil; I'ts so delicious you guys.
> 
> EDIT: So, slight schedule re-arrangement! I was doing my Stargate SG-1 rewatch, and I'm finishing season 7! I'm making good time so I'l hold off this fic while I finish the rewatch; I really want to get Cam and John's "Six Weeks" right in terms of character and timeline :D

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm doing this, the John/Cam, Elizabeth survives fic that has been bouncing on my mind for a while.
> 
> Feedback is greatly appreciated!


End file.
